[before tattoos were invented]
ME: I can’t believe I have to draw a skull on my arm every day
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I enjoy visiting countries where I don’t speak the language because it requires zero effort to tune out everyone around me.
her: there’s a spider in the bath
me: ok I’ll get him a little towel
Lately I do feel like my body and I are in a passive-aggressive fight that’s rapidly escalating.
I don’t get to work from home but that won’t stop me from showing up in my bathrobe.
Stop staring at my chest dude,
It’s like you’ve never seen ‘dual pocket snack holders’ before.
asking my dentist if i can just drop my teeth off and pick them up when they’re ready
My wife and I asked my son who he loves most. He pointed all around. I said he had to choose, then he told us he was pointing at the wifi.
Charlie Brown grew up to become a good grief counselor
The only way I’d get within six feet of some people is if I’m standing on their grave.
I don’t think my neighbor knows my rule about not interacting unless we’re both pointing at the same tornado.
Officer, this ticket says 1:59 am, but thanks to daylight savings, it’s now 1:00. So slow down, TimeCop, I haven’t committed the crime yet.
Got into a big fight with my toddler over what powers trains. I said electricity but he insisted it’s carrots. Carrots running trains is literally the hill he’ll die on.
I was at the shops & the woman in front of me was asking where the cucumbers were
The assistant came back with a small cucumber & she said “yes I saw that but I want a big one” & I actually said out loud “that’s what she said” & yes I think I spend too much time on the Twitter
FACT: Uma Thurman is the only person to ever have been named by someone with a mouthful of food.
What do you get if you cross an angry sheep and a angry cow?
You get two animals in a baaaaaaaad moooooooood
Stop talking trash about marine life!
Sharks are POWERFUL
Whales are GENTLE
Crabs are RESOURCEFUL
Jellyfish are PEACEFUL
Dolphins
Octopi are VERY SMART
M: Yes, I’m here for the complimentary wine tasting.
Priest: Ma’am, this is a church service.
M: Oh, no worries. I can wait.
My son just said “I’m sorry I can’t be cute right now, I’m hungry” and I’ve never understood him better.
My friend used to play sports. Then she realized you can buy trophies. Now she’s good at everything.
[in court]
me: if i’m guilty of anything, your honor, it’s trying too hard
judge: trying to break in that car, yes i know
You have no idea how many windows you have until someone is working on your gutters.
Stealing the candy is not the issue here. The real issue is why are you feeding your baby candy.
japanese corn
A car says a lot about the owner. I have a KIA which tells people I have bad credit.
When people come into my office and complain, I’ve started gently pushing things off my desk while maintaining eye contact. You’d be amazed at how much shorter the conversations are.
Optometrist: better or worse?
Me: oooo worse – I can see your face now
Apparently, starting an impromptu game of leap frog with somebody bending over to tie their shoe is considered rude.
Church is boring.
My uncle (111 M) gifted me (50 M) a ring before leaving to go travelling. A close family friend (2,019 M) told me to destroy the ring due to problematic associations with the jeweller who made it, but the ring is precious to me and I would feel guilty throwing it away. AITA?
I hide photos on my computer of me petting animals at the zoo in a file named FIREWORKS AND VACUUMS so my dog won’t find them.
Mobster: [tying a cinder block to my ankles] “You’re gonna be sleeping with the fishes…”
Me: “Umm, it’s ‘fish’.”
M: “This. This is why.”