Before the “accident” they were Duran Duran Duran
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“Get a load of this guy!”- Receptionist at a sperm bank.
It’s way easier to procure food now than it was for our ancestors. Thousands of years ago, instead of buying it in the store, I would have had to hunt this can of Pringles in the wild.
GOD: (creates earth) hell yea lizard planet!
WINDOWS™: restart planet for important updates
GOD: um ok
*dinos die, man appears*
GOD: wtf
My boyfriend hates my driving, but it’s ok because he’s imaginary.
How long does Chewbacca take to shampoo his hair?
Otters see a butterfly.
Me: *picks up regular store brand item instead of economy store brand item*
My family: what’s the occasion?
scrabbled eggs
An apple a day will keep anyone away if you throw it hard enough
Catching the tram at the airport. Doors open and it’s packed. Husband says we’ll just wait then sees a tiny opening at the next tram door and jumps on without telling me he’s doing that. Doors close. I stood there waving bye and the look of sheer terror on his face as it left.
Remember being young and having your whole life in front of you? Now my back hurts most days and I get unreasonably angry when a car engine is too loud.
[1994]
*rewinds tape with a pencil*[2016]
*gets angry when I accidentally close the music app*
Air Force now asking the public to help them find their camouflage uniforms.
People need to realize that being an alpha male has nothing to do with power and dominance and has everything to do with how many things you can carry in a store without a basket.
The Friday File.
Just painted around a ceiling fan and on the next coat I’m gonna turn the damn thing off.
I’d love to put a timer on how long it takes you to turn the conversation back to you but my stopwatch app doesn’t do tenths of a second.
goldilocks was so stupid for not wanting to sleep in a bed too big for her. oh nooo i’m tooo comfy!! shut up
MAN: What are you doing?
ME: [pointing gun at lake] Fishing
MAN: No way will-
SALMON: [walks out of lake with fins up]
Here’s this year’s kid-friendly Halloween joke:
Why didn’t the skeleton cross the road?
Because he didn’t have the guts!
Happy Halloween 🎃
Someone hired a sloth with a knife to murder me, he’s in my driveway, so I have 6-8 months to live
ALADDIN: i can show you the world
JASMINE: wat why. do u kno that there are people out there. why do u think we live ina palace. no thank u
Okay this nightmare isn’t going to realize itself
If u think ur parents did nothing for you, remember Jackie Shrof named his son Tiger and Bappi Da named his son Bappa. Respect your parents
Everyone is worried about US politics but let’s focus on the bigger issue – France is having a butter shortage and this is crucial
I can’t stop fantasizing about gently, lovingly braiding a squid
Someone on the radio said Britain will remain calm about the Coronavirus.
People phoned the police when KFC ran out of chicken
A child is like a CD. You enjoy it for a while and then forget it in the car.
Somebody call the cops.
Stranger: Your children are angels
Me: So was the devil