Before the invention of the automobile, you had to put roller skates on your horse
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Why do marvel movies need 3 hours to accomplish what the power puff girls did in 11 minutes
You know you’re getting old when you decide to tell your doctor the actual truth about your alcohol intake.
We need less flight attendants and more Costco sample ladies on airplanes.
*Seductively turns all your toilet tissue rolls the wrong way…
My daughter showed me a shirt at Target and I asked where the rest of it was; my transformation into my father is complete
Gonna start posting empty plates on Instagram with the caption “this was really good”
scientist: the production of cereals l is destroying the seas. Soon there will be no seas left
aptain runch: why do I always get blamed?
sientist: ause it’s your fault
Rob thank god you picked up! Hey remember when you said if I needed a place to crash I cou- hold on *to copilot* STOP CRYING, ROB WILL HELP
A 17-year-old can win a gold medal at the Olympics, but I don’t have enough energy to go to the grocery store and the post office on the same day.
Christmas Warning:
Every guy dressed in red that asks you what you want while you sit on his lap, is not Santa.
[drive thru] I just really need to talk about Buffy the Vampire Slayer and you’re the only one awake.
He died doing what he loved, rearranging the dishes in the dishwasher after I put them in.
they should make cans that open quietly
..she tweeted for no reason at 3:25 am while her bf slept soundly
Let’s hear it for the staff in this branch of Maplin, still able to crack funnies ahead of their store’s impending closure …
4pm
Me: How was school today?
Kid: …6pm
Me: Do anything fun today?
Kid: …Bedtime
Me: Goodnight!
Kid: Guess what happened at school?
business 101 classes:
– touching base
– getting on the same page
– drilling downbusiness 201 classes:
– circling back
– leveraging
– running it up the flagpolebusiness 301 classes:
– using your rich dad’s connections
Me: goodnight son I love you.
3yo:
Me: I said I love you.
3yo: I love milk.
Me: okay. *unplugs nightlight*
ME BEFORE HAVING TEENS: I like a good, crunchy apple
ME AFTER HAVING TEENS: Apples totally slap. Much cronch.
Day 9: I mean, who needs New Year’s resolutions anyway
They might as well put “Uhhh…” in front of every item on drive-thru menus.
This year I’m gonna get healthy and start dating and find a husband and shit rainbows and ride a unicorn. It’s good to have goals.
What if toilet plumbing was really like those tubes at the bank and all the tubes just went to this one guy’s house and he’s really pissed
You girls were right about these yoga pants. I have never been more comfortable walking back and forth from the buffet at the Golden Corral
I see all my neighbors out there mowing their lawns and I wonder if they’d come do mine also.
[the next jurassic park movie]
ATTENDANT: Oh no the dinosaurs have escaped again!
ME: Why do people keep coming here…?
no actually it’s called an “african-american” eye, bud. and i got it cause someone beat the crap out of me for being too politically correct
Interviewer: “Are you proficient with Microsoft Office?”
Interviewee: “Word.”
Okay YouTube, if I’m gonna watch a 20-minute video and you want to show me a 15-second ad, fine, I’ll wait.
But if I’m going to watch a 2-minute video, that ad better be no more than a single frame of someone shouting “PIZZA HUT!”
Me: “I’m looking for a psychic who rates themselves highly.”
Ian: “I’m a medium.”
Me: “I need someone better than that.”
ME: [grinding pepper onto my food]
IRON MAN: WHAT HAVE YOU DONE