[Before the post office was invented]
SOME GUY: I need someone to deliver an important document
PIGEON: *simply existing*
SOME GUY: You seem trustworthy
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warden: instead of a last meal you want a movie?
me: yes, a final film
warden: ok, what do you want to watch
me: *smiles wide* the neverending story
[107 minutes later]
me: ok, that’s bullshit
Me: hello I’ve run out of toilet paper
Front desk: oh I’m sorry for the inconvenience
Me: oh no worries, but I’ve also run out of towels
If you can’t beat them, try again when they’re sleeping.
I don’t get why someone would want the house in a divorce.
“your honor, I’d like to keep the building where my soul was sucked dry.”
Ladies, if he’s never gonna:
-give you up
-let you down
-run around
-desert you
-make you cry
-say goodbye
-tell a lie
-hurt youHe’s not your man, he’s tacos
[November 2030]
*at the ocean*
“don’t forget your oil block, 800 spf sunblock and your radiation suits”
Kids: This fish has three heads
Me as a kid: I can’t wait until I’m an adult and have money to spend on anything I want!
Me as an adult: Reads dozens of online reviews and does an exhaustive cost/benefit analysis before buying a $15 dish drainer.
The me that wants to lose five pounds and the me that keeps eating cookies need to have a talk.
Don’t ask about my weird flex, this is the position I’m stuck in.
ME: I was born a tree…
ALSO ME: …but I’ll dialog.
To ensure my wife misses me while I’m away, I changed her text notification to the sound of a door creaking open & message her at midnight.
Saw an article on Facebook that a local bank was robbed. It had one like. They should probably look at that person as the robbery suspect.
9-year old: Dad smell this. You licked a puss.
Me: [mutes TV] what
9-year old: it’s so good. Smell it. You licked a puss.
Me: …
9-year old: [hands me a candle jar]
Me. It’s *eucalyptus*
Yoga Instructor: and finally we move into downward-facing dog.
Me: you forgot updog.
Yoga Instructor: what’s up-
Wife: -NOOOO!
The Secret Service has gone bankrupt. Finally something has happened that Donald Trump has knowledge in handling.
Wow…Looks like I’ve added some muscle mass.
~me everytime the scale tells me
I’m getting fatter.
it’s so crazy how the abbreviation for pound is lb and everyone is like yeah sure ok
Show your dominance by constantly giving HR new reasons to update the employee manual
[1863]
LINCOLN: Here’s what I have so far…”Eighty seven years ago our f—
MARY TODD: Wait, wait…Why don’t you use some whacky weird numbers
They were so preoccupied with whether they could, they didn’t stop to think if they should.
BRIDE: *tosses her wedding bouquet in my direction*
ME: *dives out of the way*
I insist on having my husband talk dirty to me in a Donald Duck voice.
I wish I had the confidence of my mom explaining Instagram to her friend 5 minutes after I told her what Instagram was.
*taps on a super old dude’s oxygen tank* you know that you can get this stuff for free right
In fifth grade, we were supposed to write a story about an antihero but I was only half-listening so I wrote a 6 page story about an ant who helped people quit smoking and my teacher sent me to the school psychologist.
My heart goes out to all the parents who are about to see how much weight their kids have gained at college during the Thanksgiving break.
I like getting new furniture because it’s important for children to have a variety of clean surfaces to color on
the boss has a new hairpiece and i’m trying real hard not to laugh
Me: I’ll drink to that!
Person who brought me to church: [whispers] We usually just say “Amen.”