[Before the ten commandments were handed down]
Kevin: Hey Doug, can we kill people?
Doug: Kev my man I genuinely have no idea
You Might Also Like
Padmé: Dating is scaring. I just want to find a nice guy who’s not going to murder me.
Anakin: You’ve chosen wisely.
As a kid I thought karma would drop more pianos on people’s heads, and now I’m super disappointed.
pillsbury doughdad: [turning oven down] put a dang sweater on if you’re so cold, you naked moron
ME: You’re making me rock hard.
MEDUSA: You like that, Baby?
ME:
I can’t watch movies made before 1998 because the gas prices in the background of scenes make me too angry
me: [donating body to science]
science: [donates my body to goodwill]
Underwear and socks come in resealable bags but cereal and potato chips don’t.
CUSTOMER: [handing me a 20] can I have two 5’s and a 10?
ME: [thinking of the girl who wrote ‘never change’ in my high school yearbook] no
The only thing that’s not possible is staying away from you…
-stalker’s
No idea who she is but I want her to know I’m a huge fan and supporter of her work ✨
Fun things 2 say 2 men:
Turn that frown upside down. Make ur mouth don’t face south. Have ur lips do some flips. Make that sneer disappear.
thank us. at 3rd floor. hit yourself. you will. 3 months. from now.
I bet it’ll be frustrating when we get abducted by aliens and forced into their weird zoo to do human things. An alien kid will throw food at us and shout, “Do a war crime!” Listen, buddy, that’s not how it works.
Hey person who wrote “WASH ME” on my car, I know it wasn’t my car that wrote that. My car doesn’t speak English. I’m onto you.
omg your honor why are you like obsessed with my client
FRIEND: do you drive stick?
ME: no I drive car.
It’s ok, stock market. I’m steadily declining every day too.
My kids went to great lengths, including the use of interpretative dance, to explain exactly how big the bags under my eyes are
If you’ve ever wondered about the joys of parenting
her: what do you do for a living
me: I can’t tell you
her: like a spy
me: no I’m an eye doctor
her: oh an ophthalmologist
me: yeah thanks I don’t know how to pronounce it
To see more unmatched reporting, visit
She promised to teach me wax on, wax off. Only now my chest is bare, I’m frightened of candles, and pretty sure I still don’t know karate.
5yo: What happens when we die?
Me: People fight over your stuff
Nothing in a household is said more lovingly than, “Can you bring me some toilet paper?”
A dog made of diamonds would be everyone’s best friend.
Kissing the back of someone’s neck is a sensuous thing to do.
Unless it’s a stranger in a queue in Primark.
I’ve received so many Viagra emails my laptop opened on its own.
I have this theory that if I use cash money to pay for food I’m not actually spending my money because it doesn’t decrease the number in my bank account.. I realize that this is inaccurate, but I will continue to think this way so that I feel better about my poor life decisions
SCARY COSTUME
boss: we have to let you go
me: why
boss: its the only speaking in lyrics thing
me: em…
boss: Although you’re not doing it now which is good
me: see!
boss: ok you can stay
me: *under my breath* a
ME: I’ve got this nervous tick
DR: Since when?
ME: [taking small arachnid from pocket] July?
MICK: [sweating] You said you’d do the talking