Before therapy: I hate people
After therapy: I hate therapists
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If you’re looking for someone to drop and spill everything, all the time, I’m your guy.
Me: I’ve got the singing voice of an angle
Friend: Don’t you mean angel?
M: Nope, people hear me sing and do a complete 180
[turns to date during movie where bank robbers laugh & toss money around motel room] They won’t be laughing when it’s time to pick it all up
Remember kids, you only burn in hell if you are religious.
Sorry for getting political on here but a hungry hungry hippo wouldn’t eat marbles. It would eat your head.
I saw a hummingbird outside my kitchen window first thing this morning. Guess it forgot the lyrics.
Hahaha this stupid baby on the bus thinks they can cry louder than me
When businesses reach out to tell me they miss me, I politely remind them I’m married.
ME: who’s a good boy
*kissy noises*
DOG: I just murdered the cat
ME: you are, yes you are
*rubs dog’s head*
DOG: you’re next buddy
I’m really bad at measuring the correct amount of pasta, so if you and 79 of your friends want spaghetti tonight, come on over.
Someone in the office keeps making decaf coffee & I’ve narrowed it down to that guy who never gets anything done.
[sees fly]
Hmm… I think I’ll name this creature “Fly.”
[sees bird]
GODDAMMIT
the first time my brother got covid, he decided to shave his head and tell everyone it was one of the symptoms, which was just so wrong yet so very very funny
[First ever date]
ME: I just didn’t feel a spark
CAVEWOMAN: a what?
Elevator sex is a logistical nightmare on many levels.
I was having sex with this woman for 10 minutes before I realized it was a man, and then for like 20 minutes after.
Auto correct changed “you all” to “y’all” and now I end all my sentences “bless their heart.“
Stop hating yourself for everything. Be specific.
*pets a duck* helo litle friemd u used to b a dinosuar
Hate when I zone out while someone’s talking to me and they have the nerve to ask me a question like I’m in 5th grade and they’re a teacher.
My 4yo said he was playing at lunch with a girl from his class at school.
Me: Which game were you playing?
4: Lava Queen and Assistant!
Me: Let me guess. You were the assistant?
4: How did you know, daddy?!
Daddy knows.
That time hackers stole my nudes and returned them.
At the aquarium, I hide my hands in my pockets so the Hammerheads don’t see my nails.
Poor character written by an author who has experienced poverty: My problem is that I’m $300 short on the rent and now my car is making a noise
Poor character written by a rich author: My problem is that I feel so inferior beside these beautiful, sophisticated rich people
[hospital]
DOCTOR: you’re ok
ME: so it was just a dream
DOCTOR: no your heart did turn into a bowl of cereal but your system is accepting it
Bananas either ripen in 2 hours or 2 weeks there is no in between
friend: hey are you up for a blind date tomorrow night?
me: sure
friend: does 8 sound good?
me: nah that’s out of my league, better find me a 4
My sweatpants sat me down and said they want me to get an office job again.
I’m not a womanizer! They were all women when I found them!
Therapist: ‘Sarcasm will get you nowhere.’
Me: ‘Actually, it got me to the National Sarcasm Championship game in Las Vegas back in 98.’
Therapist: ‘Really?’
Me: ‘No.’