Before they built this Trader Joe’s, there was just an empty field with wild shoppers politely blocking each other’s way
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Seriously, if you hacked Trump’s account and wanted to make him look bad, WHAT THE HELL WOULD YOU EVEN TWEET.
Buy one annoying person, get two free!
– In-laws
Her: Sorry I’m late. I just had the most horrific experience.
Me: Oh No! Did Dorothy’s house fall on you again?
Never trust your kids. You know who their parents are.
Sometimes I remember the child who approached my counter in the video shop, fell over and disappeared from view, pulled himself back up and said “this cat food’s weighing me down, man” before proceeding to pull five tins of whiskas out of his pockets
He isn’t credited for it but John C. McGinley competed on American Gladiators. There is no point in sharing this other than it being cool as hell.
You think you found a parking spot and then boom. Kia damn Soul.
me: excuse me but is the pilot vaping?
flight attendant: no there’s a fire in the cockpit
me: oh thank god
“I wouldn’t.”
My first class ticket to the weekend never arrived, so I went couch.
I am the all knowing oracle, you may ask me one question
“How do you pronounce quinoa?”
[it’s just covered in sweat] um can u ask me another
To the girl who said I should get off twitter and pay attention to my children, I want you to know I’m ignoring my husband, too.
Objects in motion tend to resent objects on the couch not in motion.
It’s the 13th anniversary of “Umbrella”. What a good excuse for…
[1983]
FRIEND: Let’s play monsters! I’ll be a werewolf, and you lock me in the closet because it’s a full moon. Don’t let me out!
ME: Hahaha, cool!
[just now]
ME: OH SHIT BILLY
If you love someone don’t do anything. Just wait, see what happens. Maybe it will go away
tinder girl: are you just copy and pasting your responses to other women?
me: lol you’re hilarious. i didn’t grow up in the area but love the music scene out here haha
If I ever lose my girlfriend in the mall I just start checking other girls out and bam there she is yelling at me
Sorry, but Spotify sounds like the opposite of a stain remover and why would I want it?
PRIEST: In the beginning there was the word
ME: capsicum
P: no
M: tumescent gerund caliphate
P: stop trying to guess the word
M: maelstrom
when girls eat strawberries it’s like sexy and hot but when i eat an entire potato in one bite like a snake it’s weird???? ok
if i’m bleeding out in an alley & you approach me w/an app that would save me, but i’d have to login using facebook, i’d be fine w/just dyin
I like my men like I like my coffee: encouraging my bowel movements
I don’t want to brag but I can still fit into the same clothes I wore an hour ago.
I call my phone Lois because it doesn’t recognize me without my glasses
Whisper out to librarians!
My idea to call our weekend bicycling group the “Pedalphiles” was not well-received AT ALL.
Merry Christmas. The three wise men.
My first and biggest lesson in framing was when I saw my uncle asking 3 children who wanted to take a bath and they all squirmed and loudly yelled NOOOO and then he asked “Who wants to be the FIRST! to take a bath?” and they literally started fighting to be the first
Overheard:
“Why is this guy listening to our conversation?”