[before Toto]
Rain down in Africa: *sneezes*
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[first day as a doctor]
patient: how bad is it
me: [forgetting the word for spine] you broke your bone rope
Overheard This Weekend
Boy: Babe comes over to my place.
Gal: what do you want us to do?
Boy: Just to chill
Gal: I don’t chill. That’s how people end up with chill-dren!
Drake: you used to call me on my cell phone
Me: that’s what cell phones are for
Serious question, are there beef songs in other genres? If so please send. I know Mexican cartels got songs about people they killed. But to me, if the other person already dead, that ain’t beef, That’s just journalism.
“You hear from my lawyer?”
“He says he’s working on it, Stan.”
“I’m really losing it, Johnny.”
“Just be patient. You need anything?”
“Acorns, they’re like currency in here.”
If you run out of pet names for your partner, just call them assorted baking ingredients: sugar, honey, cinnamon, vanilla, garlic powder, Montreal steak seasoning, butter, pumpkin.
[ER visits, by age]
Doctor: How did this happen?
Me at 24: I was trying to dunk a basketball.
Me now: I was reaching for my glasses.
Officer: Can you identify the burglar’s screwdriver from these ten pictures? And his headwear from these ten?
Me: It’s tool eight; Fourth hat.
Officer: We won’t catch him with that attitude, sir.
So i said to Arnie “Where did you get those toilet rolls??”
He said “Aisle B, Back.”
IRS: hey time to do taxes guess how much you owe
Me: i don’t want to guess can you just tell me
IRS: …
Me: hello?
IRS: i’m thinking of a number between one and jail
Mom can you come get me?
I wished someone happy birthdsy in the group chat and now everyone is saying birthdsy
Keep your friends close and a bag of chips closer.
If you make a cup of coffee in the office after 3pm people act like you’re doing a line off the counter
If monogamy is sex with only one person, what is origami?
Pool party at my house… BYOP (Bring Your Own Pool)…
[floor creaks inside mansion]
Robber 1: shhhhhh…
Robber 2: …
[Fitbit buzzes]
Me: HEY GUYS I JUST GOT MY STEP GOAL
*meets someone from France*
I’m a big fan of your toast!
I’m only watching this show to see if anyone knocks over that poorly placed houseplant.
My son asked me why there’s so many wine bottles in the our recycling bin lately. I gave him twenty bucks and he walked away.
Parenting is easy
Her: let’s role play
Me: ok I’ll pretend I’m a firefighter
Her: hot
Me: *narrows eyes*
America is the greatest country on earth at thinking it’s the greatest country on earth.
I brushed my teeth without watching in the mirror and now my eyebrows are clean.
3 yr old: Grandpa, did your parents name you grandpa?
Doctors who expect me to pee on command, I’m not some kind of stunt pee-er, you know.
My dog stopped digging after I told him he’s just gonna end up in China.
Give a man a baby, and he’ll eat for a day. Teach a man to baby, and i think this saying only works for fish actually.
Government Shutdown: Day 13
Anthony Weiner decides to help.
He takes a photo.
He tweets.
Congress now sees where balls are located.
Tip of the day: Don’t try to scratch an itchy ankle while on a treadmill.
[god creating dolphins]
Peter: why is he smiling?
God: cos, Pete, I’ve given him an asshole on top of his head
Peter: ah. Nice
One good thing about virtual school is that my 11yo and I get to actually spend special moments together that we normally wouldn’t have time for like when I sat down next to him with my coffee and he said, “ew could you move that smell is literally making me wanna puke”.