Before Twitter I had to disappoint people in person.
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I can do this parenting thing with 2 hands tied behind my back!
because they’re holding me hostage
You could do like my granny does when she loses a pet. Sticks it in the freezer.
I almost thawed out poppy the parrot once thinking it was chocolate mint ice cream
[uses Ant-Man tech to carry around a bunch of dogs in my pocket]
date: I won’t be able to see you for a while. I need to focus on watching the World Cup.
me: *flops to the ground clutching my shin*
A warning to all – be careful about drink driving as the police are out checking on people. Last night I was out for a few drinks and one thing led to another and I had a few too many, not a good idea & knowing I was over the limit, I decided to leave the car at the pub and took a bus home, I passed the police check point, where they were pulling over drivers and performing breath tests, because I was on a bus they just waved it past. I arrived home safely and no accidents, which was a real surprise because I have never driven a bus before…
My Transformers name would be Past Her Prime.
A good man is hard to find, but a babysitter for Friday night is harder.
Prayers for my children who very tragically found vegetables mixed in their mac and cheese.
11y/o: Thanks for packing my lunch today, but next time…I’m gonna need more chocolate.
Narrator: But there was not more chocolate…In fact, there’s never more chocolate…For, her mother, eats it all.
Sometimes I think we are capable of great things as a species, but then I notice how many people can’t put their shopping cart away.
Ugh but profoundly
Life’s not about waiting for the storm to pass, it’s about learning how to Riverdance around a broken bottle of olive oil in aisle 6.
Instead of asking “Are you still watching?” Netflix just said “Hey, pace yourself, we’re almost out of shows.”
Based on the amount of animal hair, clinging to your t-shirt, I’m going to pass on your homemade cookies, thank you.
Me: I just murdered Frank Sinatra
Cop: What?? He’s been dead for years
Me: I was at the karaoke bar
Cop: Oh I see lol
Me *puzzled* who the hell did I kill?
I accidentally texted “dong” instead of “doing” and long story short, we’re looking for a new babysitter.
😳
John Hammond: omg all the systems in Jurassic Park are down, give me advice
Ray: fine well you probably shouldn’t have opened this place. Actually I think your wife left because-
John Hammond: TECHNICAL ADVICE
Canadian girls wear sundresses all year round. Sometimes it’s just underneath flannel.
I’m thrilled that you found Jesus. Where was he hiding?
Me: I need to finish the semester strong
Friend: hey
Me: u right, I should skip class tomorrow
[Family Feud]
What’s your answer?!
*whispers into microphone*
Please help me, I don’t even know these people
One cool thing about being 33 is that people who are 50 think you might as well be 22 and people who are 22 think you might as well be 50
What do the movies Titanic and the Sixth Sense have in common? I see dead people. Get it? Icy dead people?
Happy Dad Joke weekend
Just wanted to let you all know that I have been admitted into hospital and they are keeping me in. I’ve only gone and poisoned myself, thanks to my cooking skills. What I thought was an onion for my salad turned out to be a daffodil bulb. They said I should be out early spring.
My husband hates his new job as my IT guy.
This cat looks like Wilford Brimley
I’m jealous of babies because they don’t know anybody yet
Me:
Remember when we didn’t have electronics in our face all the time? Sometimes I miss that.Also me:
My pizza delivery tracking won’t load?
I AM NOT MADE FOR THIS PRIMITIVE WAY OF LIFE.
Accidentally called my therapist mom again. He was not pleased.
[Giraffes at gym]
“What do you want to work on today?”
Well we did neck day yesterday, and the day before.
“So…neck day again”
You bet