before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
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her: i just feel so comfortable with you 🙂 like we met in a past life or something idk i know thats silly lol
me: *head throbbing, getting flashbacks to when I was a lizard and she was a kid who cut off my tail to see if it would grow back* no definitely not silly at all
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
Me: Cuz I’m going too fast?
Cop: Yes, go back a step.
Me: Ok, melt butter and peanut butter in a large pot over medium-low heat. Add marshmallows and stir until melted.
Cop: These Christmas cookies are going to be amazing.
Siri, make me pancakes.
You have a Blackberry, Linda. Go home, Linda, you’re drunk.
My phone says “missed calls”. Which is an odd description for something I watched happen.
If insanity is repeating the same action expecting a different outcome, should I just wait til my kids are in college to clean the house?
Son: Facebook is for old people.
Me: That’s not true, pretty much everyone I know is on i- …oh…
Hate the weather? Wait 5 minutes. It’s Ohio.
Where you can experience every season within 24 hours.
I didn’t know about mascara, I thought girls just cried ink like squids.
Good news, my mom’s friend’s sister’s cousin’s cat doesn’t have ringworm
Someone found my missing homemade scarf, but they’ll only let me have it back if I pass a pattern- knitty test.
Uncle Frank’s will stipulates he be cremated & his ashes added to the vegetable water sprayers at the local grocery store.
He will be mist.
DOMINOS PIZZA TRACKER: Your pizza was just flushed down the toilet!
MICHELANGELO: oh hell yeah
me: omg you’re dying
my phone: wtf the charger is just across the room
me: [crying] I wish I could help
A relationship should be 50/50.
50% man
50% bear
50% pig
[god making cheetahs]
Let’s just squish a giraffe and give it whiskers
At Red Robin, you can substitute bottomless broccoli for bottomless fries. . . what kind of psycho wants bottomless broccoli? And who thinks it’s a substitute for fries?
[4:30 AM]
Wife: I thought I told you to rock the baby to sleep
Me: *turning down Enter Sandman* What does it look like I’m doing, Karen
Husband: so you know it’s ok to admit that you’re wrong sometimes.
Me: I’m not saying I’m wrong but I could have been more right.
The great thing about having a mouse in your house is that I’m sure it’s just the one mouse probably.
[bakery]
Him: This wedding cake is perfect for us! Look at all of the tiers!
Me: Definitely not happy tears
Him: What?
Me: What?
With virtually no power, there still comes a surprisingly large amount of responsibility.
Good morning to everyone except my son who asked why I haven’t had a real boyfriend in years.
Don’t ever look away from a police officer. Just stare him down. You don’t wanna look suspicious.
My sex tape is me laying on the bed trying to zip my skinny jeans from last year.
Pineapple farms looks like someone said they were a pineapple farmer and got caught in the lie so just started chucking pineapples on the grass
Don’t explain my jokes to me. I don’t want to know what I mean.
So glad our house has 3 bathrooms so all of my kids can argue while brushing their teeth in mine.
Ugh, my boyfriend got me flowers even tho I explicitly asked for cash
My husband has finally given up on the notion that he will be able to have an uninterrupted conference call when his coworkers heard me belting out “I’m Every Woman” and has moved his office to the basement.
The person who invented autocorrect should burn in hello.