before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
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[Sesame Street casting]
Exec: ok, what kid role models do we have
A grouch, cookie addict, and 2 jobless roommates
Exec: Nice, let’s roll
CW: It’s 11:11 make a wish.
Me: I wish I could throw a clock at your face.
*Trains lightning bugs to spell*
Karen, they have a message for u
WILL YOU M-
“Omg Yes!”
OVE OUT?
Oh good. Here I packed your bags already.
Wife: can you give the kids a talk on drugs?
Me: ok but I talk a lot of shit when I’m high
Mom: So, do you have someone special in your life?
Me: Define “someone”
Mom: You know, a boyfriend.
Me: Define “boyfriend”
Okay this nightmare isn’t going to realize itself
When asked by the creepy guy at the bar “Why aren’t you smiling?” my go-to answer is always “My yeast infection really is bubbling up.”
ME: [slowly heating water containing frog]
WIFE: what are you doing!
ME: [adding bubble bath] Ribbit Downey Jr had a stressful day
No officer, my car was already upside down when I got here.
My husband lost a bet and has to wash the dishes for a month, and I just got a credit card alert that someone just spent $200 at Costco.
If that man walks in the door with $200 of paper goods, I’m making it 2 months.
We get it. If your candidate doesn’t win in November, you’re moving to the whitest English speaking country you can drive to.
No one claims to like clowns, and yet there are clowns. What an evolutionary adaptive species they must be, clowns.
Boss: I thought I said no costumes this week.
Me: These are my clothes.
a store that sells jeans and khakis should be called a pantry
succession but with mickey mouse and friends
I mean, I had to pay a gym membership so technically they’re not really free weights.
[During sex]
Her: That fan of yours is loud and distracting
Me: It helps me in bed
Fan: *clapping approvingly* Yeah bro WORK THOSE HIPS
My son, sleepwalking, came into my room and said “Can you get the trash out of my bed?” So I went to his room and showed him there’s no trash and he said, exasperated, “Why would there be trash in my bed?” then laid down and went back to sleep.
That about sums up motherhood.
Me: They are tiny mints that live in a little plastic coffin
Boss: I said let’s talk tactics
Her: I like the man-horsey in this film. He’s hot.
Me: Centaur.
H: What?
M: Centaur
H: Is that his name?
M: I want a divorce.
My Body: we’re hungover
Me: but I didn’t drink anything
My Body: I don’t make the rules
Did a crunch. Sprained an ovary.
0/10. Do not recommend.
I’m currently boycotting any company that sells items I can’t afford.
FROM: Harvard
SUBJ: Your PhD application
We are unable to accept you at this time as “Teaching Squirrels Karate” is too cool for us.
Shout out to all the dormant volcanoes out there, just chillin’, keepin’ that magma to themselves and whatnot.
sober: damn im too lazy to make any food tonight
after two beers: it’s time to cook all the spaghetti in my kitchen
Do I have a plan for the zombie apocalypse? I don’t even have a battery in my smoke detector and fire is real.
The prophecy is fulfilled
As a responsible parent, I gave my kids a healthy breakfast of strawberries w/ milk & a little sugar…
frozen.
OK IT WAS ICE CREAM!
FitFam?
*starts GoFundMe campaign to buy a soft drink at the movies*