before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
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You can’t make me happy, mate. You’re not a family sized packet of salty sweet popcorn.
I’d rather drop a baby than my iPhone…. I mean I can make another baby, but I have no clue how to make an iPhone.
me: just because you’re paranoid doesn’t mean the illuminati haven’t targeted you and replaced all your workout gear with slightly smaller sizes to make you look like you haven’t been taking your diet seriously
personal trainer: *just glares*
I’ve just text my new girlfriend that I’m into all sorts of douchebaggery.
Autocorrect clearly has a different idea on what debauchery is.
Told my boss at work I had three companies looking at me and asked for a raise, so of course out of curiosity she asked me which three companies.
Managing to keep a straight face I told her Gas, Water, and Electric.
Who’s the idiot that named it a Brazilian and not a Tropical Smoothie?
Me: What did you do at school today?
4yo: Nothing
M: You must have done something.
4: I don’t remember.
[Bedtime]
M: Goodnight.
4: Wait.
*Spends the next two hours telling me about his day in excruciating detail followed by a philisophical Q&A session*
Grammar. The difference between feeling your nuts, and feeling you’re nuts.
College: Now that you’re making tons of money with your degree, please donate back to us every year
Me: lol
College: lol ikr?
The Kardashians is what happens when you feed a gremlin after midnight.
Sure, tell me about the dream you had. It will give me a chance to count my teeth with my tongue.
If I’m gonna pay $300 for a name brand purse it better come with a mini fridge, steaks, and a new tv
had 2 glasses of wine about to text him “can I ask you something” and then turn my phone off til tomorrow
I hate when I’m playing air guitar and I break an air string.
explaining to the tech that having to change into a gown for a chest x-ray doesn’t give me a lot of faith in the process
me: cheeseburgers are better than sex
her: maybe you’re doing it wrong
me: I stick my meat between two buns and slather it in sauce, add cheese, pickles and bacon
her: I meant sex
me: me too
Spotted the tiniest of cows perched on a fence post today.
My dogs didn’t feel the earthquake because they have constant gas.
It’s not easy sitting around all day doing nothing. It’s hard to know whether or not you’re done.
Hi, I’m Megan. You may know me from such public encounters with kids as “No, YOUR face is stupid” and “I didn’t trip you, you fell”.
Someone called me
yesterday and said,
“Hello, is this Ross”
I said ” no it’s Chandler”
And they hung up.So much for trying to
be Friends.
[At the ferret store]
I’ll take five of those furry slinkys
[First day of dropping kids off at school]
*Hugs and crying*
[2nd day]
“Get out!”
Language is cool because it’s just a bunch of sounds, but put them in the right order & you can make someone cry or you can order tacos.
*At a restaurant, 3yo not sitting still*
Aunt Lisa: What’s wrong, dude, do you have ants in your pants?
3: *Looks stunned, drops pants*. Can you get them out?!
Parents, let this be a reminder that young kids will take 99.9% of what you say literally.
sleeper makes drafting your fantasy team easy👇
I’m invincible. I can not be Vinced
Neo is 57-years-old he’s definitely taking the blue pills.
the best sex is the kind that keeps your neighbor up all night. that’s what my neighbors are having.