before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life

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My cat has taught me a lot about life. Like if there’s any trace of ribbon in the house, you should eat it and then get sick on the carpet.


She said “you look like trouble”…so I nudged her down the stairs, because I don’t like people falling short of their expectations.


Boss: “We are all going to have a bunch of Red Bull, bust out the chest of Adderall, be laser focused for about 4 hours, then die.”


Damn girl, if you was a fruit you’d be a fineapple, if you was a vegetable, I would visit you in the hospital as often as I could.


I used to sing my daughter to sleep at night, which is probably why her first word was “Stop.”


you’re not really anticapitalist bro i remember that lemonade stand


I let my work email inbox get too full and now I can’t send or receive emails. I don’t know why I didn’t think of this sooner.


I never wanted to believe that my Dad was stealing from his job as a road worker. But when I got home, all the signs were there.


Went to an Air & Space museum today, nothing was in there. I asked “So what’s the exhibit?” & the guy was like “You’re breathing it, man.”


“Smells fresh. Like a tropical island.”

“Ok. Now take off the blindfold! Your family’s been dead in this car for a week! We Febrezed it!”