Before we eat, my father always makes us join hands and debate critical race theory.
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Me: So Christ’s body is the bread?
Priest: yes
Me: and he rose from the grave
Priest: yes…
Me: because of the yeast?
Priest: no
Me: okay, none of this makes sense
Canadian cattle can now legally
graze on cannabis plants.The steaks have never been higher.
The way my neighbors are making their trick-or-treating kids skip my door you’d think I was handing out ecstasy pills like last year.
A word of caution from someone who took two (2) of his kids to their initial orthodontist appointments today: Before you decide that you can afford to have children, remember that children have teeth.
The opposite of a meat lover’s pizza is a veggie hater’s pizza, which is weirdly THE SAME THING.
Auto correct changed “Help” desk to “Hell” desk and man, it got that right.
Bet sidewalk and fireplace were named by the same person
My favorite machine at the gym is the one you put change in and snacks come out
Maybe I’ll make pancakes for breakfast.
*decides to open Twitter
Maybe I’ll make pancakes for dinner.
[At Adele Concert]
Adele: Hello from the other siiiiiide
Me (shouting): Tell us your surname
[makes a voodoo doll of my dad]
[does basic stretches on it every night so he keeps his flexibility well into his 60s]
I let a Pasta Chef borrow my car and he returned it all denty
Friend: u around this weekend
Me: yep
F: to help me move
M: uh one sec *fake hold music* hey yeah, that was my doctor, bad news, I have died
Got excited because I found $20 in the laundry. Then I remembered my kids don’t have jobs and the money was probably mine.
As soon as I walk in, I can feel every woman at the gym dressing me with their eyes.
Why are women starting to turn their homes into yoga studios?
So they can be namaste at home moms.
COWBOY: This town ain’t big enough for the both of us.
CITY PLANNER: No this is just the mockup. The actual town will be much bigger.
I can’t decide whether or not I should do laundry or just buy another hamper.
me after creating anything: i want the whole world to see this
brain: even people who know you?
me: oh god no
“Wow, more ABBA. Shocking.”
-anyone on road trips with me
Shut up and put on your matching Adidas track suit so everyone at Costco knows we’re a couple. Don’t make this weird.
i hate workimg at the lightbulb factory!! evrey day i hav to thimk of good ideas so they can harvest the lightbulbs that apear abov my head
Oh yeh? Explain this then
Just as the siren’s song lures sailors to their doom on the rocks, the ding of the microwave calls the unwitting to destroy the roof of their mouth on the molten cheese of the Hot Pocket.
4: *tells me a loooong rambling story about school*
Me: *asks her ONE follow up question*
4: don’t want to talk about it anymore
4-year-old: Why am I not in your wedding pictures?
Me: You were born 3 years later.
4: *cries because we didn’t invite her*
If I could just figure out how to decorate piles of laundry, my house would look AMAZING during Christmas.
Most arachnophobes end up secretly being spiders themselves
The correct etiquette is to always use a fish knife when eating fish; a tomato knife when eating tomatoes; and a Swiss Army knife when eating the Swiss Army.
My pronouns are she/her and my adjectives are problematic/overwhelmed