Before we have sex, please select every image that contains a bicycle.
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I told my husband I wanted a hedgehog and he said we don’t need a hedgehog. Long story short, we’re picking it up on Thursday.
“You don’t load the dishwasher right,” I said to my wife just before it permanently became my job.
Been to the hospital to get a mole checked. Apparently they all look like that & I should’ve just left it in its hole in the garden.
not to brag but i finished this 14 day diet in 3 hours and 38 minutes.
[Party]
HIM: Hi, I’m John.ME: Hey, I’m Andrew, with a “y”.
HIM: …Where’s the y?
OTHER PARTY GUEST FROM ACROSS THE ROOM: Ugh, why is Andrew here?!
ME: *Finger guns*
When I was a kid I used to yell at my grandma for drinking and driving and she was like “it’s Diet Coke” and I was like “but the tv said!” So what I’m saying is, kids really don’t know shit
Someone asked me if I had any hobbies and I panicked and said “lasagna”
I spent the entire summer before 6th grade obsessively playing world of warcraft and I felt so weird being like very clearly the only child in my guild so I pretended to be in my thirties with a boyfriend and everyone was so nice to me I ended up announcing my fake engagement.
I hate being the walking dead.
I wish I could be the driving dead.
Even the bus riding dead would do.
People who make grand sweeping generalizations are all idiots
Based on their level of excitement, bros in beer commercials seem unaware that you can pretty much buy beer anywhere.
There are many different theories about why humans even need to sleep but I’m pretty sure it’s to charge our phones.
I support Greenpeace because I care about environmental activism, just not enough to do any of the real work myself.
My grandma tries to avoid her neighbor who has a crush on her. This is the exchange they just had:
Him: have you eaten dinner yet
Her: I don’t eat
I’m not sure about accusing someone of wanting to get into my pants. I’d like to see him try. I can hardly get into them myself..
dentist: how much mtn dew have you been drinking?
me: i don’t know why
dentist: because your teeth are snowboarding ok that’s why
You guys remember back before Google when we would just sit around and wonder about shit ….?
My cat swallowed a ball of wool a few months ago and just gave birth to a litter of mittens
“What if your breakfast could occasionally spit acid in your eye?”
-Inventor of grapefruit
My husband at 3 AM: What’s that noise? What’s that noise? What’s THAT noise? I can’t sleep.
My husband when I’m talking to him, in his ear, with a megaphone: What? Sorry, I didn’t hear you.
Pigeons always look like they’re jamming out to an invisible iPod.
Hello consequences, my actions went that way.
Every now and then something happens on TikTok that transcends social media and becomes a *work of art*
LOL at people with only 99 problems
What’s that like?
I think it’d be neat if mermaids had a clam flip phone
wife:
Where are the powdered doughnuts?me:
A newborn giant panda is about the size of a stick of butter.
And just as delicious.
Receiving multiple letters of complaint from the deer in my area. Apparently the deer whistles I put on my car were the sexist kind. I had no idea.
[after my murder]
COP: Can u think why anyone would want to kill him?
WIFE: Christ yes *starts Power Point presentation* Make yourself comfy
Just had a 10 minute argument about the importance wearing pants in public with a 5yo
She won, today I wear pants when I take her to school