Before we were married, my wife was like a tiger in the bedroom.
Now she’s more like a possum.
She plays dead whenever a snake approaches.
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Whenever I worry if I’m being a good mom or not I remind myself that someone out there named their kid Abcde so the bar is like, really low
“I may have to take you up on that,” I say to a person I will never speak to again.
Remembered there were pudding cups in the fridge, so I walked faster than usual to the kitchen and now I know what a “runner’s high” is.
If you really want to impress me with the year a bottle of wine was made, bring me one from 2024….
Her: When you said you could do magic in bed, this isn’t exactly what I was exp….
Me *holds up the ace of Spades*: Is this your card?
Her: Wow!
I haven’t exaggerated in over 350 years.
Cauliflower crust is the answer to the question pizza never asked.
for years you mocked us, you made fun of our over-sized purses full of goldfish crumbs, our hair ties on our wrists, our jackets just in case, but who do you need now? who has 6 half-full containers of hand-sanitizer stored in old bags around the house? that’s right. moms.
*At the magic show*
Magician: Now I need a volunteer
Gary the Murderer: *raises a hand*
Magician: OH MY GOD WHOSE HAND IS THAT
Back in the day there was no Emoji for laughter. We had to write it out, like some sort of scribe.
Me: release the kraken!
Friend: what’s a kraken?
Me: Not much what’s a kraken with you? lol. no but seriously a lot of people are going to die.
All is fair in drunk and war.
Doctor: I’m afraid you’re dying
Me: And there’s no cure?
Doctor: Yes just cut out pizza and chocolate
Me: I can’t believe there’s no cure
Alright, I know you’re all wary of funding another Jurassic Park when all the others have ended in disaster, but I have 3 words that will blow your mind: Chance the Velocirapper
I birthed my kid faster than she can put on shoes
As you get older dating becomes a lot like Musical Chairs. The music stops, everyone sits down and you’re left with the last idiot standing.
I’ll never invest my money in Facebook, mostly because it’s the place where people I went to high school with own pretend farms.
told someone i’m as “single as a pringle and as neato as a dorito” then they blocked me immediately
So I was coloring my few, grey hairs with a sharpie and Hubby walked in.
He told me, I’m the reason for warning labels on small appliances.
him: this might be the whiskey talking but are you checking me out?
cop: licence and registration
I don’t let my husband pick up the groceries right now because I’m worried he’ll taste freedom and never come back.
Please stop making sex robots, if I want to have sex I’ll do it the way God intended: By making a regular robot fall in love with me.
[Life Pro Tips]
when considering crime, avoid anything that could add the prefix “international” to charges
i love that my tweets still say i’m tweeting from earth because i know a lot of you are tweeting straight from URANUS
i spent four months making this so might as well post on twitter too 🧍🏻♀️
Miss 10 is making her bed upstairs.
[Sound of sellotape ripping]
I know you all think *I’m* the chaotic one in my family, but a baboon troop just broke into my sister’s house and stole two jars of peanut butter and her husband chased them off with a baseball bat, an event she relayed by dropping a video with no explanation in the group chat
*Takes our kid away so my wife can have a break*
*Takes kid to pub*
*Bumps into wife at pub*
people who ask you to take your shoes off before you come inside just want to use your socks to clean their floors as you walk. don’t fall for their trap. don’t be a mop.
ME: sit
DOG: [sits]
ME: good boy. roll over
DOG: [rolls over]
ME: good. now speak
DOG: [clears his throat] time is the fire in which we all burn
ME: bad dog. very bad