Before you ask for my help, you should know I don’t even measure when I cook.
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ME: Should I sneeze into my hand?
DOCTOR: No, sneeze into your elbow
ME: Can I shake hands with people?
DOCTOR: No, bump elbows with them
ME: …
DOCTOR: …
ME: …
DOCTOR: Let me get back to you on that last one
Not tryin’ to brag, but my sex life is like a dormant volcano. It was fiery, but now it’s inactive. Also, I killed a bunch of villagers.
4-year-old: What does God smell like?
Me:
4-year-old:
Me: Nachos.
4-year-old: With cheese?
Dear Britain,
This Brexit vote is all wrong
If you want to leave the EU, dump some tea in the harbor and fight a war.
Sincerely,
America
It takes two months to get fat and two years to get in shape.
Science is a lie.
*walks into a dollar store*
excuse me, where would I find the dollars?
“If you’re not on medication no one will know how crazy you you are,” she said red flaggingly.
*15th century*
Shaggy: ‘Twas not I
This was maybe my favorite tweet of 2021
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Me: When I was lying in bed, I found this huge lump. I need it removed.
Doctor: Ma’am, that’s your husband.
Me: And your point is…?
Adulting, but it’s just me reminding my kid every day which grown-up words he shouldn’t say in kindergarten
YOLO!
Jesus: Hold my wine!
Remember that time when you didn’t call, & a giraffe round house kicked your neck, & you fell off a merry-go-round & died?
So sad. Really.
Friend: cheer up. There are plenty of fish in the sea
Me [slamming my fist on the table]: I’m attracted to women NOT fish, Gary!
Fortune teller: Your love life will–
Me: Never mind that. Will I ever have a tweet go viral?
Taking bets on how long my kid will proudly trip over the pillowcase she’s wearing because pants weren’t “fluffy enough” this morning
My grandad’s battalion avoided capture in Norway by disguising themselves as Christmas trees – they were all highly decorated.
“I’m hungover”
– Lame
– Big deal
– Get off the couch“The gods have punished me for my indulgences”
– Oh damn
– That sounds serious
– Shall I prepare a healing poultice?
me: did you know there’s a complex named after you
oedipus: haha, I’m not surprised, I was king, defeated the sphinx, stopped a plague! what part of my life is it named after?
me:
oedipus: andrew? what par—what did they name it after?
Geppetto: So, I know this is literally the first day you’re alive, but Imma need you to go to school
Pinocchio: WTF, dude?
If someone asked me to describe myself in one word, I’d say, “nope.”
oh to be a cat surrounded by potatoes taking a nap using a carrot as a pillow
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If you haven’t been to the Grand Canyon, I highly recommend it. It’s just gorges
Asserting dominance by starting all my private DMs with “I hope this dm finds you well”
Kid’s tiny friend: My mom sent me here as she is cleaning our house.
My kid: why is she cleaning, is anyone visiting?
I used to workout to get laid. Now its to impress whoever will be performing my autopsy.
Sometimes after a long hard day at work, it takes me 4 bars to get home
I took my family out to an authentic Chinese restaurant. My wife and I had chow mein and my daughter built 3 iPhones
I don’t know why we traded horses for cars. Your car won’t stop in front of a river and be like, “no way dumbass, we aren’t going to make that.”