Before you bludgeon to death that drifter who broke into your apartment and passed out on your futon, ask yourself: when did I buy a futon?
You Might Also Like
Me: one admission please
Movie Theater Attendant: sometimes I wear my wife’s shoes when she’s not home
Lake Superior was named the second most scenic lake in the world, beaten only by Lake Superiorer.
My drink of choice is vodka because I never recovered from those images of people stomping on grapes with their bare feet
San Andreas is just like Godzilla only Godzilla is invisible
If I’d married a wealthier man, I’d be lying on a fancier couch refusing to clean bigger rooms.
Before posting each tweet, I ask myself: Does it bring me joy? Will it bring joy to others? I never wait for the answer.
Apparently, “No kidding!” isn’t a good response when your boss says he’s confused.
[inventing wind]
God: hand me some of the air from yesterday
Angel: what are you going to do?
God: I’m gonna make it angry
Shouldn’t octopus apendages be called eightacles?
cop pulling me over: whoa whoa, where are you off to in such a hurry
me: some of your colleagues are chasing me
My 10-year-old is cleaning the kitchen. One roll of paper towels later I have the world’s cleanest kitchen stool.
A t-shirt gun outfitted for Costco hotdogs.
Showerhead Self-Conscious About Single Jet That Sprays Sideways #OurAnnualYear2019
I’m growing a ponytail so no one will ever ask me to hold their baby.
if any of you are fans of deep house music blasted at high volume, i’d highly recommend the grocery store around the corner from me.
I’m in such a great mood today
Anxiety: I’ll be with you in a minute
chore hatred level:
considering becoming a raw food vegan and drinking straight from the garden hose to avoid doing dishes
My husband asked me to cut his hair. I think the zigzag designs turned out very well despite his bad attitude.
Innocent until proven guilty? Well, guess I won’t show up to court
When I can’t afford strobe lighting for my house parties, I just ask everyone to blink in time to the music instead.
I could never run for any kind of office because if someone published how badly I lost I would cry.
me: dave and i go way back. we served together for 8 years
her: oh wow. army? navy?
me: olive garden
i can’t wait that long
I’m at a legal conference called “Divorce on the Beach.”
My 9 yr old asked where my husband and I were going and I said, “Divorce on the Beach,” and he looked me straight in the eye and said, “Awww that’s too bad.”
Me: *doing a cute TikTok dance with my grandma*
Headline reads: ‘Two Old Ladies Do TikTok Dance’
MOM SHE JUST KICKED ME AREN’T YOU GOING TO DO SOMETHING?
I recuse myself on the grounds that I am her mother
ARE YOU GOING TO SAY THAT FOR EVERY—
I recuse myself on the grounds that I am your mother
Parenting is like being a dive bartender: people shout drink orders, you have to listen to their problems, and the place looks like a dump.
Her: (emerges from the sea, beach waves glistening in the sunshine)
Me: (washes ashore topless looking like Sigmund the Sea Monster)
{phone call}
MRS. TURTLE: Hello?
MR. TURTLE: Hi honey. I’ll be home in 2 hours
MRS. TURTLE: Ok, call me when you’re close
MR. TURTLE: I’m like 10 ft away
Streaming Service: We think this wholesome comedy would be great!
Me: hmmm
Streaming: How about thoughtful calm drama parallel of life
Me: 🤔
Streaming: ok…how about a depressing cult docu-series that will fill you with a rage that will not die
Me: ya ya that’s the one