Before you cannibalize your roommate due to cabin fever, remember that you cannot afford the rent alone. #blizzard2016
You Might Also Like
sure my tattoos will look stupid when i get old but have you ever considered that they look stupid now too
[Tattoo Parlor]
Me: Hi, I’d like to get a tattoo on my calf.
Calf: *nervous mooing*
“I’m gonna make you so happy, baby. And then I’m gonna make you real sad.”
– gas station nachos
I am not above nurturing our friendship for years just to get that secret family recipe.
I appreciate commercials that specify “shipped directly to your door” because I’m so tired of delivery people throwing packages on my roof or burying them in my yard
Vegans will look you dead in the eye and tell you cauliflower taste like ribs…
I imagine when you get to heaven they give you a box with all the sodas and snacks that vending machines cheated you out of your whole life.
My 7yo asked her brother for a hug and it was the sweetest sibling moment, then off to school he went with a slap me sign on his back
Do you Karen promise to love and to cherish Mark, always put the toilet paper on the roll over the top, and not leave crumbs in the butter?
Raw eggs are great for a fitness diet.
If you don’t like the taste, just add sugar, flour, cocoa and baking powder and bake for 30 minutes.
If you laugh at a kid’s joke that kid will tell the exact same joke at slightly louder volumes 8,000 times in a row.
Attention Prayer Warriors: My neighbor left town for a funeral today. Please pray for God to protect & guide me as I steal his barbecue pit.
oh you like architecture? name three walls
Most of my trips into Home Depot are to fix something that I screwed up after my previous trip to Home Depot.
*puts finger over your lips*
Shhhhhhhhhhhhh
*feeds you more applesauce making airplane noises*
my son just asked me where do pizzas come from adn has yet to ask me where do babeys come from. thats my boy
I picked up carry-out and the guy asked if I wanted to leave a tip.
Yeah. Offer delivery.
A large account followed me to thank me for a trophy through DM, then immediately unfollowed me. It must be exhausting to be Twitter elite.
*kills time while waitimg for train*
oh no with time dead the train will never arrive
Boss: you’re late
Me: *grabs his coffee* thanks, though it’s pronounced ‘latte’
Husband: When I introduce you to my boss, please don’t be weird
Me: Me? Weird??
Husband: PLEASE
[ Later ]
Me, air kissing his boss’s hand: Bonjour
Nothing like 2 big dogs chasing your dog to get in some extra cardio
Sorry I yelled, “Sweep the leg!” when you got down on one knee to propose to your girlfriend.
But I stand by my advice.
me: thanks for letting me work from home
boss: *turns off shower* I meant your home
*Answers door naked*
Jehovah’s Witnesses… 😲
Me: Do you have a moment to let me tell you about my sex life? Here, have this pamphlet.
shaggy: hey scoob where’s my burger
scooby: ruh roh
shaggy: great danes only live 8 years you know
scooby: ruck roo
doctor: i’m sorry [consoling my family] he’s going to live
Him: Im just going to grab a quick beer with Tod after the gym, it shouldn’t take long.
Brain: that seems reasonable, you are not even gonna be home.
Hormones: tell him you hope he lives happily forever after with Tod.
You can just make up words and if you say them in a Scottish accent, people will think they’re real:
Looka the wee janglers on that tary bibbit.