Before you commit to a dog name, go outside at 6:30 AM with no bra on and see how it feels begging that name to poo.
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Roses are brown,
Violets are brown,
Daisies are brown,I’m a terrible gardener.
Light as a feather, smorg as a board
*Showing me a picture of your baby*
Me: Is that a dog toy in the background? What kind of dog do you have? What’s your dog’s name?
People who argue on their cell phones in public should have to do it on speakerphone so the rest of us can get both sides
[restaurant]
*patpatpat*
ME: you hear that?
*patpatPATPAT*
DATE: what the
[penguin bolts out of kitchen with a fish]
CHEF: SOMEBODY STOP HIM
I possess a devastating combination of perfectionism and incompetence
[my attorney after our first day in court] leave the Hulk hands at home tomorrow
Cats will have a King sized bed all to themselves and still lie on the one spot where you left your sweatshirt.
Newton’s daughter had dem apple fallin genes, boots with the fur
my kids are fillibustering the hell out of this bedtime
Sometimes, I like to establish dominance over my shorter friends by telling them we need to hurry, and then climbing up a staircase, two steps at a time.
you can tell the new mad max movie takes place in a lawless post apocalyptic hellscape because not one person used their blinker
[bank]
Robber: EVERYONE GET DOWN!
Me: [crying] my wife left & my kids think I’m a joke
Robber: No I mean-
Robber2: Wait! Let him finish
*seductively slides hand along store shelf to distract you*
*grabs last bag of Cheetos*
*tucks, rolls, and runs away*
i’m so bad at identifying internet scams. i’ll get an email that will literally say something like “click this link to send us your social security number and bank info and we’ll steal all your money” and i’ll be like “what could they mean by that?”
man: you buried my grandmother in the wrong plot
me: I guess you could say I made a [turns to camera] grave mistake
My buddy wants to join Twitter because he’s tired of all the people fighting on Facebook, should I tell him.
Hear me out: a dating service that matches you based on your food delivery orders like “this person also ordered Chinese food five nights in a row”
A telemarketer called and said,”can I speak with the man of the house.” I replied, “sure” and gave the phone to the cat.
Hello? This is your downstairs neighbor. I really hate to be a bother, but I am in bed trying to sleep. Could you please turn the stereo down?
It’s in the living room. You’ll find my door unlocked. Thank you.
this is my fancy nightgown it only has one stain
Welcome to your 40s, your bra wins the Oscar for the best actor in a supportive role.
My mother-in-law makes me feel like a champion race car driver…by grabbing onto the door handle and screaming the entire drive
Irritating friend: I passed your house yesterday.
Me: Thanks. I really appreciate that.
I usually spend my Sundays texting apologies but I’ve had an alcohol free weekend now I have nothing to do.
[food naming committee]
… Ok. Cow?
– Beef
Ground up?
– Burger
Great. Pig?
– Pork
Baked & sliced?
– Ham
Super! Deer?
– Venison
Fish?
– Fish
Ran into my neighbor in the hall and she told me she can’t wait to meet my partner.
…soooo I guess she’s heard me talking to myself.
Me: Let’s get married secretly, and not tell anybody!
Her: Yea, but what if we have a baby?
Me: Well, we’ll tell the baby…
{Police Job Interview}
Captain: Go out & kill 5 Blacks, 3 Mexicans & a kitten.
Recruit: Why kill a kitten?
Captain: You’re hired.