Before you contemplate starting an argument with me just know I’ll be removing my pants and underwear for maximum effect.
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him: can i be honest?
me: not from what i’ve seen.
if I was a zebra and I carried a wallet in my mouth I’m guessing a lot of people would assume it didn’t belong to me and that sucks
Even getting salmonella from cookie dough would not convince me that you can get salmonella from cookie dough
Trying to pay for a $10 item with a 5 dollar bill and explaining that the bill is double sided
Me: hear me out— a food truck that sells crab related products called “Crab and Go”
Gordon Ramsey: why are you in my bathtub
Police chief – “I’ve been hearing reports that one of our cops is an undercover lobster”
Me -[struggling to grip coffee mug in huge pincers]
Obama: Please don’t talk to me until I’ve had my morning cup of Joe.
Joe: no please no more.
Obama: shut up Joe. *takes a sip of Joe*
People that lick their forefinger after EACH PAGE OF A BOOK, who hurt you?
This spa was amazing!
Umm Miss, you just walked through our car wash.
I just declined a mandatory work meeting invite. I am drunk with power.
Her: what was that about?
Me: I read somewhere if a bear comes too close you should piss yourself to ward him off
Her: at the zoo tho?
Sex is like pizza, there’s NO reason it should ever involve vegetables
[ants at a Def Leppard concert]
*Pour Some Sugar on Me starts*
Ant 1: Oh hell yeah I love this one
Ant 2: Sugar is good for us and the queen
MURDERER: *while murdering me* I feel like you’re not taking this seriously.
ME: *eating a Belgian waffle* Wut?
Complete list of all the words I know to “The Macarena”:
1- Hey
2- Macarena
My wife sighed from the other room, which can mean one of 2,639 things.
Cop: “Are you driving under the influence?”
Me: “No.”
Cop: “Say the alphabet backwards.”
Me: “Tebahpla eht.”
[finishes a 15 minute drum solo] I think that answers your question, your honor.
I’m sick and tired of people not appreciating the magic that is baking soda. Have a stain? Baking soda. Have a pimple? Baking soda. Making cookies? Baking soda. Accidentally caused a small kitchen fire making cookies? BAKING SODA!
the bad guy in hallmark movies is a boyfriend who is like “uh no babe i cant drop everything + leave work this weekend im about to close a deal for ten million dollars that will set us up for life” and the good guy is a guy who is just standing there when she gets to her hometown
I received a basketball in the mail from Amazon. I haven’t played basketball in 20 years but apparently drunk me thinks I’m Michael Jordan.
*releases Olympic swimmer into the ocean*
You’re free now
Had I known you were coming I would have baked a cake. Instead you get to watch me decapitate an iguana. You should call ahead.
“I’ve got chills. They’re multiplying.” “Sir, you’re going into shock. Please stop narrating–” “And I’m losing control.” “Sir!”
ME: i’d like to get rid of all this
PERSONAL TRAINER: you’re just making like one sweeping gesture around your entire body
ME: and my head
In the event of a bear attack, the best thing to do is play dead. You’ll still die. But at least you get to play with a bear.
Me: Footlong
Subway sandwich artist: White or wheat?
Me: Cookie
16 zombie actors injured on movie set. Saddly no one noticed for 3 hours.
one time in high school I wanted to signal to a friend that I really, really liked him, so I began referring to him as my esteemed colleague
Just grabbed milk, bread and coffee at the store and the cashier told me to have fun…