Before you decide to have kids, ask yourself: is this apartment goat-friendly?
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In Hell you have to drive with balloons in the car and you have to put them in the car with the doors open.
Remember, if someone doesn’t like the same style of peanut butter as you, it’s a personal attack
i hate it when my daughter is suddenly nice to me because I know it’s just a first calculated step in impending negotiations
ME: *sees my shadow* holy shit i’m a groundhog
I can’t believe I got kicked out of chess club. I didn’t realize there were rules, I just thought the pieces fought like action figures. I shouldn’t have brought Wolverine.
I picked up some socks off the floor and my 4yo said, “I was just going to do that.” Now I’m waiting for him to start asking why there are so many lights on in this house
Just found out my wife is pregnant.
Considering we haven’t had sex in two years, we’ve decided to name him Jesus
I never realized how many “favorite” coffee mugs I had until other people tried to use them.
Luigi: You got your own land, world & galaxy. Can I have Mario Mansion?
Mario: ok fine [under breath] gonna put a bunch of ghosts in it tho
“kill them with kindness” wrong. crow attack
🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛
“Are you listening to understand or to be right?”
~ sometimes pretending to listen results in unexpected mutiple choice questions
Mission Control: Stand by for launch in 5-4-3
Astronaut: WE’RE NOT READY YET
MC: Why?
Me: [in background] No way man seatbelts are for nerds
When a CW is coming out of the men’s room as I walk past, I always ask if everything went well because that’s the polite thing to do.
If RL people ask you how to join twitter, tell them they have to be sponsored by six people and submit tweets for approval. And pay. Sorted.
“i acknowledge that i have read and agree to the above terms and conditions”
Contents of my wallet just spilled all over the cashier’s counter, so embarrassing, spiders everywhere.
Apparently “never hesitate to tell her you love her” does not include yelling it through her window at 3am, I know this now.
I thought there would be a lot more happiness and sun in “The Shining.”
Before Twitter I had to disappoint people in person.
Shania Twain marrying her best friend’s ex husband after her husband and best friend had an affair is some count of monte cristo level shit
It’s amazing that every single kid on the planet is cunning enough to know that “I’m thirsty” has the best odds of delaying sleep. Think about it–between dinner & bath water they’ve had PLENTY to drink. Over time they’ve played every card & independently found the ace of spades.
They say “Liar, Liar, Pants on Fire” but what happens if you tell a lie with no pants on?
You: Would you like a keto burger?
My Anaconda: No.
There’s nothing worse than being in public & you touch something that shouldn’t be sticky & it is.
Attention!! To Whomever has my voodoo doll… I could really use a back rub.
my idiot dog just ate a box of condom. i was gonna eat those buddy
Great news! I found the lid to my favorite Tupperware bowl – the one I threw out last week because the lid was missing.
For Lent, I am giving up “JESUS”.
PS: To be clear, I won’t use his name as my first attempt on Wordle for the next 40 days.
If a UFO silently mowed my lawn during the night, I wouldn’t say shit.