Before you decide to spend less time on social media, make sure you go to every social media website and tell everyone.
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“When I’m dead, I’d like you to buy a $9,000 box and throw it down a hole.”
-Humans
Me: *successfully puts out fire* Did I pass?
Cooking instructor: No.
My wife said to me: “If you won the lottery, would you still love me?” I said: “Of course I would. I’d miss you, but I’d still love you.”
If your wife walks in and turns the light on while you’re staring at the ceiling, make sure you yell “My eyes!” BEFORE she starts changing
doctor: where does it hurt
me: everywhere
doctor: where specifically
me: well right now, in your office
IT: You deleted the OS?
Me: I think so.
IT: It didn’t warn you?
Me: Yeah, but it only kinda warned me. What’s with the inquisition bro?
“If someone wanted to murder you, a night light wouldn’t stop them”
I will never lie to my future children.
Wife: I’m going out now
Me: Wait! Where are you going?
Wife: Yes.
*door slams*
Just dropped my kids off for the first day of school! Granted, it doesn’t start for 3 wks, but I left them w/ plenty of granola bars & H20.
[commercial for Facebook]
*man sits in tree, watching friends from high school through binoculars*
“Don’t you wish there were a better way?”
Woke up in a graveyard. Never felt more alive.
[first date]
ME: I’m having a great time
HER: I’m not
ME: *peeking out from my pillow fort* I don’t even let my dog in here, Janet
if there’s anything parenthood taught me it’s that weird ppl have kids too & their kids may become friends w/ ur kids culminating in all around awkward small talk at bday functions
*ties a little bow around insect’s head, presents lovely gift to Canadian entomologist*
Pretty fly for a white guy.
People that call their kids Randy, is that short for Randolph or Randrew?
I love using food in the bedroom!
But, when it comes to wearing a condiment…
I mayo may not.
I’ve never been on a vehicle that was hijacked but I have been on a boat driven by a teenager and I think the level of fear is probably the same
*gets called a psychopath
*googles “What’s the average IQ of a psychopath?”AWWW, HE THINKS I’M REALLY SMART.
I would rather lie there and accept death than try to get out of a hammock while anyone is watching me.
I accidentally took an extra step when I reached the top of the stairs and now I’m in a marching band.
[party]
her: [seductively] hey baby, u wanna get out of here?
me: oh hell yeah
her: awesome, we’d all appreciate it
Dad: Can I administer my own anesthetic?
Surgeon: Go ahead – knock yourself out.
Most people don’t know this, but “Piano Man” by Billy Joel is about a man bitten by a radioactive piano.
[5:00 AM, in a harsh whisper]
Daddy, don’t worry, you can sleep. I’m making my own breakfast, how do you turn on the stove?
Me: I’m up.
[leaving parents’ house]
HER: I thought you said your dad had one leg.
ME: Ya he also has another one.
I just took an IQ test and apparently I’m a Libra?
YOU (falling prey to the pathetic fallacy): The sky is angry tonight.
ME (science-loving, dispassionate): Everything is angry all the time.
The letter C should make a “ch” sound. S and K got the rest covered. Waste of prime alphabet real estate and does nothing original without help from my man H.
Didn’t get any sleep last night….I spent the entire time wondering where the sun went.
Then it dawned on me.