Before you die, get your affairs in order so they don’t find out about each other.
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[David Attenborough voice]
And here we see JC in her natural habitat. Watch as she circles the donut case, bystanders completely unaware of her imminent attack.
*Leaving the bar with a hot girl*
Girl: I’m on my menstrual cycle. I hope you don’t mind.
Me: Not a problem. I’m on my moped, I’ll follow you.
it amazes me that people still say they want a “fairy-tale marriage” when most fairy-tale marriages end with the lady getting angry and returning to the sea from whence she came.
Mom is flying into JFK during Friday rush hour. An ‘anonymous tip’ should allow me to pick her up at the TSA and avoid the terminals.
Suggested movie theater prices: Adults – $9.00, Under 12 – $ 6.00, Under 3 – $249.00
Life advice:
1.Never be afraid to say what’s on your mind
2.Never be afraid to do what’s on your mind
3.Don’t take life advice on Twitter
[does jerk off motion for 2 hours] and that concludes the hearing impaired translation of the presidential debate. all of them. god bless
My doctor wasn’t amused when he asked how much I weighed and I said
One hundred and fat
Girls storing chips in their bras…pfft amateurs. I’ve got spaghetti and half a taco from this afternoon in there
Obi-wan: *holding baby* Let’s make her a famous princess
Droid: What about the other baby?
Obi-wan:*shrugs* Dump him in a desert somewhere
Just want to point out the NRA’s plan to stop school shootings is literally the plot of Kindergarten Cop.
[SCIENCE FAIR]
ME: It’s a Pez dispenser, but for hot Pop-Tarts.
PRINCIPAL: This fair is for kids.
OTHER PARENT: Shut up, let him finish.
I witnessed some luteing today. Six men playing a sprightly medieval tune . Quite out of step with the times were they.
Husband: Did you eat the leftovers?
Me: No.
H: Who did then?
Me: Ninjas.
H: (sigh) There are no ninjas.
Me: They’re very good ninjas.
Ended a date early one time so I could come home and eat my hawaiian bbq leftovers before anyone else got to it
Young MacDonald had a farm,
Heavy GMO.
The corn’s pest-free but side effects,
Are more or less unknown.
It was a smart phone until I downloaded Twitter
me: it’s our third date, you know what this means
him: *confidently* I think I do
me: *saves his number in my contacts*
I is smart
I is kind
I is important
I is in the wrong office– I thought to myself after having wine for lunch
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes.
Netflix: Might I suggest a shower?
USA is broken. Can we use USB now? 🤔
911: ‘911 what’s your emergency?’
Me *mumbles ‘I just got to the nursery and they replaced all the kids with PLANTS!’
911: *click
Job Counselor: now that you’ve flunked dental school, what’s your plan?
Tooth Fairy: *shrugs* idk, buy em I guess
my 10 year high school reunion is in August which means I have 2 months to lose 40 pounds and get engaged to Michael Cera
If food delivery apps had never been invented I would either be wildly rich or dead
Quick! Everyone on Facebook is at church! Let’s go steal all their shit!
“Hello?”
Dad come get me from practice
“Sorry I’m going into a tunnel” *sound of mom giggling*
But I called the *connection drops* …landline
To know your enemy, you must become your enemy.
[First day as a doctor]
Patient: I got stabbed!!!
Me: is there a family history of being stabbed?
I can’t tackle you with a fire suppression blanket unless I practice.