Before you get involved with another person, ask yourself: Is this someone I can see myself cropping out of pictures later?
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Ladies. Even the most mundane chore is better in a Princess Leia costume.
Never debate an idiot. Idiots never know when they’ve lost. That’s one of the reasons they’re idiots.
I like it thick and deep
Pizza
Kids talking at bedtime are like the marketing emails which you’ve unsubscribed to multiple times
I snuggle with my sweetie boo and seductively ask, “Would you still think I’m cuddly without skin?”
DR: You get a burning sensation when you pee?
ME: Especially when it gets in my eyes
DR: That’s not right
ME: I know that’s why I’m here
Why eat high-calorie yogurt when you can just have ice cream for breakfast instead?
Dear women with cucumber slices on their eyes… you’re using it wrong.
You can wonder about other people’s motivations or you can hit yourself in the head with a hammer, and the end result is roughly the same.
Had to pause Willy Wonka & The Chocolate Factory to go buy a king sized Snickers. This is why i can not watch Breaking Bad.
i dont have time for this
[Shipwreck Diary]
Day 29: worried I’m losing track of time
Day 4: nope. I’m fine
if you have a weird name and appear in movie’s closing credits, i will find you and i will say you
What if everyone had the same neckline as Troi?
*Someone sends me a 4 minute video*
me: [42 seconds later] wow that’s so awesome thanks for sharing!
me: *pretending to know about vegetables to impress the cashier* corm is one of my favorite yellows
*gingerly taps banana*
My wife says “Don’t walk away when I’m talking to you” when 1. she’s not talking, she’s yelling, and 2. I’m not walking away, I’m retreating
Intoxicated man causing disturbances attempts to hide from police…under a blanket
You play the victim so well you probably have chalk in your pocket to outline your body
This is actually what my executive dysfunction looks like
Tough love is true love
MURDERER: [looking for me] You better of hidden well or you’re dead
ME: [under bed, tears in my eyes] It’s better HAVE
I talk a lot of shit for a middle aged woman who still calls it a potty.
Blind dates are the best because they can’t see me stealing all of the food from their plate
Lady, you misunderstood. When I asked if you would have my kids I didn’t mean sex and babies. I meant take the ones I already have.
HER: I can’t be with a guy who thinks he’s Optimus Prime
ME: I can change Becky
HER: promise?
ME: into a semi truck
Executioner: say your last words
Me: your last words
Executioner: I’m gonna enjoy this one
This lady here in Walmart has completely given up on her kids for Lent apparently.
i feel sorry for people who say things like less is more because they’ve obviously never had sex or french fries
I asked 14 to do me a favor, and he said, ”okay.” Then deliberately fell face first into the mattress on my bed.
Same kid, same.