Before you harm any of your co-workers please consider the potential negative impact of prison on your Twitter time.
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Him: You smell good. What are you wearing?
Me: Just a bit of Ham & Cheese Hot Pocket.
Just got rid of cable and now I can afford a mansion.
In banana years, I am bread.
[first date]
HER: You smell so good. What are you wearing?
ME: *nodding and sniffing myself* Mashed potatoes with gravy.
To all the people with grammatical issues, don’t worry, I also have problems with badly timed periods. 
why try to flirt with someone who leaves you on read when you could be enjoying some soup instead
*playing Mortal Kombat*
Her: Can I try?
Me: Sure.
Her: Which one of them shoots that Handookie thingie?
Me: Hadouken?
Her: Yea.
Me: Leave.
Remember you could bludgeon your enemy King with a wheel of cheese and eat the evidence.
[1st date]
Her: So, were you born here?
Me: [an idiot] In this restaurant? No. I was born in a hospital.
Makes a girlfriend in IIT. Breaks up with her. Adds Ex IITian in bio.
I have two dogs walking around my house in cones of shame and it’s like living a never ending game of bumper cars
Child me at birthday party: gimme gimme ice cream
Adult me at birthday party: gimme gimme cake
perhaps my fairy godmother went to the ball herself
sigh
My sensitive skin moisturizer is sulking again
By the nervous look on his face I thought my boyfriend had an engagement ring hidden in his hand but it was just a stranger’s bra.
Whew.
911 I JUST SAW TWO TRANSFORMERS FIGHTING
“Mr Bay, please stop doing this every time you see a car crash”
[gets pulled over for speeding]
Where’s the fire ma’am?
*grips lighter*
“I’m not sure yet”
If you ever need to find evidence to prove someone’s guilt or innocence, always check the pudding first.
Our tv was on with the volume a smidge louder than societal norms, my husband was watching a YouTube video on his phone at medium volume, I was watching a tiktok on my phone full blast and my daughter walks in and yells, “FOR THE LOVE OF GOD BUY HEADPHONES.”
No one heard her.
I don’t have many steadfast rules in life, but one of them is to always decline grated cheese from anyone with band-aids on their knuckles
“Billie Jean” is probably my favorite song about someone named Billie Jean
Babybel you stay on my mind
fulfill my fanta-cheese.
Doc: ‘So you’re not sleeping?’
Me: ‘Not really.’
Doc: ‘You drinking water?’
Me: ‘Few glasses a day’
Doc: ‘Alcohol?’
Me: ‘Plenty’
Doc: ‘Exercise?’
Me: ‘Not much’
Doc: ‘Coffee?’
Me: ‘Yes, please.’
me: are there really aliens at area 51
pentagon official: that’s confidential
me: then how’d i hear about it
Kinky is when you bring a feather into the bedroom. Perverted is when you bring the whole chicken.
If life gives you lemons, remember that they are the result of humans crossbreeding bitter oranges with citrons and do not occur naturally. Therefore life never gave you any lemons to begin with; we made them up.
Shout-out to smartphones for eliminating tedious tasks from our lives like reading books or watching the road when we drive.
No one lays down beats like Gaston, fills the seats like Gaston, when on Twitter nobody tweets like Gaston.
dream jobs:
• soup reviewer
• seer who prophesies your doom
• old lady who solves crimes in a little english village
• old lady who COMMITS crimes in a little english village