Before you judge a woman, walk a mile in her shoes. After that who cares? She’s a mile away and you’ve got her shoes.
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Her: I just feel so alone
Him: Jesus loves you
Jesus: [awkwardly] Duuude shut up
I can only listen to Russian classical music after drinking creamy tea too fast.
The chai cough’s key
Me: I wish I was the most beautiful person in the world.
Genie: done
Me: *looking in mirror* But I still look the same…
Genie: Just wait until you see everybody else.
Me: *turns on faucet*
Husband: *starts talking*
Me: *turns it off* What?
Husband: *says nothing*
Me: *turns on the garbage disposal*
Husband: *starts talking*
Me: *turns it off* What?
Husband: *says nothing*Repeat forever.
Her: You’re perfect as you are, don’t ever change a thing.
[later]
Her: Er, that didn’t include your underwear…
Whoever gets the gift from me that has scissors under the wrapping paper, I’m going to need those back.
Cashier: What does your tattoo say?
Me: It doesn’t talk.
Cashier: Ya, but what does it say?
Me: IT DOESN’T TALK.
Cashier: Ok, Ma’am.
I feel it
cop: way to go, mystery inc., you’ve caught yet another monster
shaggy: no problem
cop: lets celebrate by eating those brownies we saw in the mystery machine
shaggy: haha lets not do that
just remembering the time Arthur was murdered by his own father
ATMs should have breathalyzers
6: What are you making? It smells terrible!
Me: *literally just boiling water*
If you took the Facebook IQ Test and it determined you’re a Genius, the fact that you participated in a Facebook test negates the results.
I’m the most bashful person in the world, until you get me on the dance floor. Then I become the most bashful newborn giraffe in the world.
Me: ‘Can I offer you something to drink?’
Waiter: ‘I’m sorry?’
Me: ‘I know, it’s weird right? Now you try.’
Are we still sending rich dudes to space cause I just got a 2 dollar bill in the mail from GramGram and this shining star is ready to rocket
I bet Lincoln is looking down like “dude, trust me, that is not a bad night in a theater”
[first day working in mcdonald’s drive-thru]
customer: I’d like to pay for the guy behind me, too
me: he’s not on the menu
[Cop questioning suspected watermelon thief]
COP: *squints* Was it you?
GIRAFFE (who has watermelon-sized bulge halfway down his neck): Nope
Me: [I run into the break room at work] You! You have summoned me! I am here.
Coworker: What?
Me: You just summoned me. I heard you.
Coworker: I opened a can of Spaghettios.
Me: Yes.
So the waiter said “The plate is hot” and I said “I’ll be the judge of that, haha.” Anyhoo, I met a lot of nice people at the burn center.
Me, first day as a prosecutor: *whispering* ᵍᵘⁱˡᵗʸ ᵖᵉᵒᵖˡᵉ ˢᵃʸ ʷʰᵃᵗ
Defendant: What?
Me: I rest my case, your Honor.
Scientist: knowing that flamingos turn pink because they eat shrimp, we fed one nothing but Gatorade for 6 months
Reporter: so what happened?
Scientist: it’s dead.
(Disney Dating Tips)
1.Kidnap Dad
2.Coerce Daughter
3.Awkward music-filled dates
4.Angry mob danger
5.Stockholm Syndrome
-Beauty & the Beast
The woman that cleaned my house could make a lot of money by threatening to release the before and after photos
How many boxes of Thin Mints do I need to eat before I start seeing results?
Coffee beans are grinding. Even they get more action than I do
my kid had her whole class make birthday cards for her dog who celebrated his birthday yesterday.
we don’t have a dog.
[waits until purge night to illegally download music]
Marriage is like Disneyland. Magical at first but then you realize that there’s someone else in the Mickey suit.