Before you reply to a tweet, take a deep breath.
Now hold it.
Hold it…
Hold it….
Hold it…
Keep holding it…
Die.
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I’m not an introvert; I’m just a very inept extrovert.
Good news! I got the new restraining order today. So if anyone needs a stalker I’m available. I have mad stalking skills plus references.
Avocados were 5 for $2 so anyway that’s how I ended up paying $2 to eat one avocado
Mad that so many renaissance artists were named after ninja turtles
Oh, you got a promotion? Congratulations! I got a promotion at home: my kids unanimously voted me “the WORST.”
I saw my shadow this morning and it looks like I have six more weeks of dieting.
A lot of people get scared when they watch movies. Not me. I know the lion at the start is just a logo.
I made my 9 year old french toast with syrup this morning per his request but promptly found out that he thought the fork and knife I provided were just a fun suggestion so anyway how do you get maple syrup off pants?
Apparently everyone on the zoom calls outside my office finds my singing distracting.
Bummed my show about teenage girls working for their high school newspaper didn’t get an Emmy nomination. Better luck next year, ‘Cuntrags’.
Little known fact: Scotland is just an elaborate hoax with Mike Myers playing all of its citizens.
I’m not saying animals are better than ppl, I’m just saying you’ve never seen a puppy jack up the price of prescription medication
I, for one, pronounce eau de toilette like ewww the toilet
Mob Boss: did you make it look like an accident
Me: oh yeah I rear ended him before I shot him
If Google can’t find the answer, it’s not a question.
My mom is helping me hang a painting and we don’t have a hammer so she used my cast iron pan to whack the nail into the wall and I’m pretty sure my neighbors think someone’s murdering their husband. I’m not correcting them.
LIFE LESSON: Never do anything which you don’t want to explain to the Paramedics.
I wonder if the username “That Cab” is free, cause a lot of people would want to follow “That Cab”
I’m not trying to sound like a conspiracy theorist but isn’t a little suspicious these hurricanes keep happening in alphabetical order??
“You know where you are? You’re in the jungle, baby. You gonna DIIIIIIIEEEEEEE!!!! …Only Kidding! Welcome to Red Lobster, party of 2?”
Dude came through my broken gate and told me he was a fencer. He seemed shocked when I stabbed him in the chest like, on guard, dude
God making women: make them sexy and sophisticated but also confusing to operate.
Angel: soooo like an espresso machine?
It’s so magical how much rizz I got they call me the rizzard 🪄
My band in the 80s was the Sex Poodles. We needed Snoop Dogg.
Me: What would you give me if I can fit this whole waffle in my mouth?!
Wife: An uncontested divorce
Going home on lunch breaks is great till you realize that means you have to go to work twice
Dodo, a bird, an extinct bird
Ray, a pancake from the sea
May, a fly that lives one day
Fox, tells lies on my TV
You raise a generation of overthinkers by telling them to put on their thinking caps in second grade, but never to take them off.
In one class I have a Bella, an Ella, an Eli and an Ellie. Say those names quickly three times in a row and Bloody Mary appears to steal your freshly sharpened pencils.
[ cookout ]
Me: OMG this ketchup is amazing!
Host: yea yea we all know you brought the ketchup