Before you spend $200 on birthday party entertainment for your child, I sprayed my son and his friends for 45 minutes with the hose. Rave reviews.
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According to the latest statistics, most accidents with toasters and bathtubs happen at home.
[to hot girl at bus stop as bus approaches]
“I could easily afford to get on that if I wanted to.”
Sometimes I wish camouflage were more effective so I wouldn’t have to see the people who wear it.
My dad just found out abt the Simpson’s predicting shit and it was the longest phone convo of my life.
You don’t need a therapist when you have a strong support group around your barstool.
Steam Forums
maybe bears omly like honey so much becuase their throats hurt from all the growlimg they do
JUDGE: I may send u to jail. But if u act less condescending, I’ll let u go free
ME [waving goodbye to my family] u mean condescendingLY
My cable froze and Ray Liotta was staring at me for like 30 minutes. It changed me, man.
I still have a Rolodex on my desk but it’s all salami
We need to make art so weird that when the tech companies try using it to train AI, the AI goes “listen I don’t know what this is and I’m scared”.
Twitter should come with a “MAY CONTAIN NUTS” warning when you open the app.
Tonight’s parenting lesson:
If a 2-year-old says, “I’m going to puke,” FOR THE LOVE OF GOD DON’T CALL HER BLUFF.
I need a shower.
I suggested some hiking trails for my ex, so I guess you can say I’m putting the path back in psychopath.
I tried some new stretches, and now I’ve been stuck on the floor for 23 minutes.
Only the dog is happy about this.
I won against my toddler in Candy Land today and she for real put my player back at the start and said “you go here now.” Then she continued to play and then told me she won.
Before arbys gets sucked into the sun with the rest of the earth and everything you’ve ever known or loved, please come eat some of our crap
What they say: “Wow, you’re really photogenic.”
What they mean: “Wow, this looks nothing like how ugly you actually are.”
Sorry I had to cancel for the 5th time in a row, I thought you would stop inviting me by now.
me: [putting hand on widow’s shoulder] this fell out of the casket
My son is practicing his French horn and I love the arts, I was so excited for my kids to love them, but wow he’s pretty bad.
remember when you could lay in one position for hours, now you have to rotate like a rotisserie chicken every 15 minutes or a hip hurts.
Hubs: Hey, throw toilet paper down the stairs.
Me: Oh, I thought this was going to be a sweet text…
Hubs: Throw some butt wiping paper downstairs with your delicately soft, feminine hands, please my goddess.
The general rule is that you shouldn’t ride an elevator during a fire, but I mean, talk about a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity
Karate Kid (1984, PG): An old Asian man tricks a bullied teenager into doing household chores for him.
[126 minutes]
We have guests, go get the fancy cups.
So me and my demons are gonna have a few bloody mary’s and see where the day takes us. Would you and your demons like to tag along?
I’m in trouble with the wife because I toss and turn so much she can’t lean the iPad against me while watching her show about a lady who murders her husband.
Me: I just played the “poop in a bag” trick on our neighbor
Wife: Haha! Where’d you find the dog poop?
Me: …dog?
Husband: How much did you spend on those new boots?
Me: *turns on the blender* What?
Husband: I said…
Me: *turns on the vacuum* Sorry, can’t hear you!