Before you start your artisanal candle business ask yourself: does the world need one more lychee-scented soy candle? Or even one?
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when spiderman jumps from building to building why isn’t it called peter parkour
friend: hey are you up for a blind date tomorrow night?
me: sure
friend: does 8 sound good?
me: nah that’s out of my league, better find me a 4
Indiana Jones: why does it have to be snakes
Ron Weasley: why does it have to be spiders
me: why does it have to be family get-togethers
“Donatello choose ur weapon”
“I’ll take a stick”
“Really not a sword? Nunchu..”
“A STICK”
“Ha I guess u wanna wear purple too?”
“…”
“Ugh”
A shoemaker called yesterday and yelled at me because I hadn’t picked up the boots he repaired. It’s been one week. He said they’ve been there since October. (They haven’t.) I said, “WHY ARE YOU YELLING AT ME?” He said he yelled at all his customers.
Wife: how’d you get that burn on your arm??
Me (looking fabulous): not from your curling iron
A pasta maker is just a Play-doh toy for adults.
My pre-nup will indicate that I’m allowed to unplug your life support system should my phone need charging.
I have taken 37 steps since March 16th. Call me for your fitness needs.
Truthful Tuesday: If a rapper raps about how much money he has then I download his music for free.
Wife: *angry; flings wine onto “dinner guest”; storms out of room
Me: *consoles visibly upset raccoon
me: i wrote you a song, it’s called ‘rudolph the red nose reindeer’
rudolph: it better not be about my nose
me:
rudolph: sing the song keith
The jerk store called? But, that jerk store burned down ten years ago… on this very night
Dr. Seuss: Would you could you in a box?
Would you could you with a fox?me: ok what kind of doctor are you anyway
commas are like garlic, you measure with your heart
To the skeptics who don’t believe in precognition, please explain how I’m able to identify and choose the slowest line in the supermarket and gas station EVERY SINGLE TIME
me: *falls down stairs*
kind stranger: oh, you poor thing!
me: *tears in my eyes* why did you have to bring my finances into this
me as a kid: that microwave in spy kids where you can make instant mcdonalds is my dream come true
me now as an adult: that microwave in spy kids where you can make instant mcdonalds is my dream come true
If Jennifer Love Hewitt so much, maybe she should marry her!
Maybe the caveman who discovered fire was wearing corduroys and running late for a meeting.
DAD: Sorry it’s not a pony, honey. Best I could do
LITTLE GIRL: [riding gigantic earthworm] This is Princess Doomtube. She shall be feared
Che: “Why do you want to participate in this guerrilla war?”
Me: [picturing myself leading an army of gorillas into battle] “Independence.”
me when my friends ask me to look after their kids
{At the last supper}
Group- “can you believe jesus just turned this water into wine!”
Me- {cutting up lines of table salt} “jesus, could you do me a favor?”
No matter how much you drink Michael Bay is still somewhere directing a “Transformers” movie.
Why are cops the only ones who get to go undercover? Why can’t a dentist? Coming soon, Undercover Dentist
My mother: A high forehead is a sign of intelligence.
Me: What does that even mea—
My mother: You have a low forehead.
I don’t want to sound like an alarmist but
Wooooop Wooooop
Rearrearrearrear
Booloo Booloo Booloo
Weeuuuweeuuuweeuuu
Beeep Beeep Beeep Beeep
Don’t confuse a Morning Person with a Middle Aged Bladder Person.
Gosh, some tweeters are super nice.
One guy offered to trim my tree and another one wants to stuff my stockings!