beginning to suspect my gf is only using me for my foot warming capabilities late at night
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people misspelling definitely as defiantly is one of my pet hates however I do like seeing a status like “defiantly getting a chinese tonight” and imagining someone booting down the door of peking garden.
I’ll put a comma, after a comma, even if it doesn’t need a comma, to completely, drive you, insane.
Memoirs of a Fish Stick
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In the bathroom:
Me: *Meticulously manscapes*
Plumber: “Please don’t do that while I am in here.”
my brother: grandma’s funeral is going to be closed casket
me: oh no
my brother: are you sad you won’t be able to see her one last time
me: no, it’s because this was going to be my only chance to pry her blueberry pie recipe from her cold, dead hands
My kid brought home a school fundraiser packet in case anyone wants a $43 roll of wrapping paper or an $80 candle.
He just told me that the dishwasher is broke.
I wish he would:
1. Stop rubbing it in
And
2. Stop calling me that.
Me: I brought hay, but I don’t think I can fit much inside me.
HR: Did… did you think we were hiring an assistant manger?
Well well well if it isn’t the same bill I couldn’t afford to pay in a different color
I don’t always cook dinner but when I do, I use every pan in the kitchen.
Stick around after sticking around after the Thor 2 credits. Very realistic 3D of a theater manager telling you to leave.
Like a mouse stuck in a mouse trap because its desire for cheese was too great, I too am stuck in a mouse trap
A faucet is just a vertical treadmill for a tiny jesus
Many commentators say that vigilante groups are never the answer. But they clearly don’t know the masked Ecuadorian trio named “Acción Ortográfica Quito,” who roam the streets at night with a singular purpose: to correct all the spelling and grammar mistakes they find in graffiti
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My 3 year old is helping me make crepes this morning. So far in the mixing bowl there are 2 eggs, 1 cup of flour and 1 measuring cup.
10: I just read that you have fingertips but not toe tips yet you can tiptoe but not tip finger.
Me: It’s 6 am.
I’m just gonna make myself president. Nobody else ever seems to workout. Gotta do it yourself.
Server: Have you dined before?
Me: Have I d- like in general?
Server:
Me: Yeah. Yes.
“My great-grandma went to jail for making moonshine” was probably not the family history topic my son’s teacher expected.
😏😏😏
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Whenever my husband “puts something away” I’m always suspect. I mean, it’s not as if he really knows where anything goes.
[first date]
HER: I like classic cars
ME: ugh do not get me started on the sequels
If I start learning from my mistakes how will anyone recognize me ?
A cooking competition where contestants make whatever they want but my husband wanders around the kitchen and stands in front of the drawer they need
Breaking into my enemies home and eating all their cheese.
It’s so rude how many of you have the audacity to be out peopling around whenever I go somewhere
My son has decided he loves avocado toast and now I have to get a second job.
Cop: Are you drunk?
Me: um if I was drunk, could I do this?
*stands on one foot*
Cop: ok first of all, ow
Don’t forget to donate blood today to make room for more food