beginning to think I may never inherit a chocolate factory
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Me: Aww a valentine!
Officer: It’s a ticket.
Me: A ticket to your heart.
Officer: Ma’am, will you-
Me: Yes! I’ll marry you.
No thanks, 28 yr old hitting on me at the bar… With our age difference, I wouldn’t be a cougar… more like a saber-toothed tiger.
me: damn, can’t use the gps, my phone is dead
friend: it’s cool, we have a map
me: nice, we can find a place to charge my phone
The use of the singular here makes it sound like this is about a specific, apparently immortal wolf who was previously exiled for some misdeed
I have two dogs. One named Rolex and one named Timex.
They’re watchdogs.
DISH FATHER: You can NEVER see that spoon again!
*daughter dish starts sobbing*
[outside the window, Spoon is thinking] we leave tonight
Am I supposed to know my own blood type? I don’t even know what types of blood there are
I hate when I grab a live wire and everyone sees my damn skeleton
At the grocery. Wearing my mask. Lady behind me, snarky & loud enough to make sure I heard, “don’t guess she realizes that stupid mask won’t do any good.” Me: “Honey, I’m an off duty nurse, I’m wearing it to protect YOU. But, I can take it off if you’d like.” She practically ran.
I’m in the other room and I hear my 3yo shout, “In your face, poop”. Then the toilet flushes. I would give anything to get that excited about pooping again.
My best dating advice is to wait after you have two kids and a house before you tell her you speak elvish.
Isn’t that the name of the guy that played Sherlock Holmes?
Throw away an avocado skin?
In this economy?*makes avocado skin suits.
*sells them on Etsy.
Him: A nap? Really?
Me: It’s not me. I have two wolves inside me and they want a nap.
Him:
Me: I’m a responsible owner and let them nap.
Him: Guess they like pizza, too.
Me: What do you have against wolves?
*a meeting somewhere*
“Women seem to want pants with pockets.”
Great. Let’s sell ’em all the pockets we can.“Okay, but just to be clear *pants* with pockets.”
Yes yes, I hear you, Junior. They want pockets.“No, pants with—”
Wow it’s almost noon. Let’s hit the links.
I hate when I see a friend and wave all excited but they just keep being a jar of peanut butter.
ROBIN: How come you wear dark colors but make me wear a bright yellow cape?
BATMAN: [under his breath] It’s called a bullet magnet.
ROBIN: What?
BATMAN: What?
Law enforcement’s cracking down on texting while driving, but there’s no law against standing up and playing saxophone through your sunroof.
Add a touch of magic to your allergies by filling your mouth with glitter before you sneeze.
A macaron is just an oreo that studied abroad.
I asked my wife if she thought alligators could get aids and she showed me all these studies on how their blood can be used to fight autoimmune diseases and then I didn’t have the heart to tell her I was just trying to make a Gatorade joke.
When someone reads your message, then never responds, it’s just hurtful.
I mean, what else could they possibly have going on at 3 AM?
I have a condition where if I don’t walk as fast as humanly possible wherever I go I will die. I’m like the bus in Speed
“bro it doesn’t work like a boomerang”
-my friend before getting knocked out by a flying croissant
I just got a text message asking me to rate my Anesthesiologist during last week’s heart procedure. I’m like, “How should I know?”🤦
[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Her: I’m a stay at home mom
Me: *leans in close* then what are you doing outside of that house
Just be thankful you aren’t quarantined with a roommate who has decided to work her way through the Taylor swift songbook on guitar, which she can barely play (me it’s me I’m doing that)
Man, my tummy really hurts, I should probably have another latte and a third and fourth croissant about it
Before kids: I’d choose going blind over going deaf.
After kids: Deaf! I wanna be deaf!