Behind every strong woman is a cat that won’t let her use the washroom with the door closed.
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We gave DanceBot a machete as a joke. No one could have predicted the rhythmic horror that came next.
My kids: ROAD TRIP!
My kids, ten minutes later:
[about to have sex]
her: I can tell this is your first time
me: *opening box of bees* did you bring any birds
My kid: look mumma this coin is really really old!
Also my kid: still younger than you though…
My husband loves to role play Sexy Star Wars in bed.
Maybe one day I’ll get to wear the golden bikini.
We all have our personal struggles.
Mine today was an argument with my son about why we can’t put a hot hog in the toaster, but then I was like, maybe we could put a hotdog in the toaster…
Me: You’re not like other girls.
3-year-old: *continues looking for the right Barbie to fight her dinosaurs*
If you love someone set them on fire. Did I get that right? Oh god what have I done. It’s SET THEM FREE isn’t it? Sorry burning loved one.
“Babe I wanna ask you something”
*gets down on one knee*
“When The Little Mermaid became human, how’d she know to use a toilet?”
*ties shoe*
The Chipotle I went to apologized for not having any lettuce today. I said “It’s cute that you think I’m here for that.”
“14 years, £20 billion later and my team have finally finished building a Large Hadron Kaleidoscope.”
“You mean Collider?”
“Oh shit!”
[me living in a hallmark movie]
oh my gosh, my childhood love is still single? and here? in this small town?
well if we don’t fall in love and get together then the christmas tree farm will foreclose!
WE MUST GET MARRIED TO SAVE CHRISTMAS!
Welcome to your 40s: here’s another chin, have a nice day.
When the the bladder control commercial with the jingle “Gotta go, gotta go, gotta go right now” came on my 5 year old asked “mommy, do these ladies really have to go to the bathroom or do they just think they do” thus becoming the youngest menopause expert in the world.
*wakes up to wife and son screaming*
me: What are you guys yelling about?
them: YOU’RE DRIVING
My mother always cooked with wine
while I was growing up back home.Occasionally she would even add
some to whatever she was cooking.
I can count on three hands the number of times I failed math and anatomy.
13: I’m hungry… can I have a snack?
Me: what do you want?
13: what do we have?
Me: the same things we always have
13: like what tho
Dumbledore: the mirror of erised shows your deepest desires.
Harry: *tearing up* i’m with my mom
Snape: omg same
“Do what your gut says”
– well, right now , its Telling me i need to stop eating Pizza
Zoom meetings have reminded me that I’m generally not muted when you should be.
I’m at 7%. My phone too. We both will probably die before I get off work.
ME: Who is Taylor Swift’s song “We Are Never Getting Back Together” about?
DOCTOR: I meant questions about the vaccine
A cute bank teller told me he wanted to make love to me in the vault. He’s kinky, but at least he’s into safe sex.
To the guy who turned the entire first floor of his house into a giant ball pit – I will find you, and I will marry you
I found toothpaste on my comb, door and pet tortoise and now I’m reconsidering teaching my child about good oral hygiene.
Manicotti implies the existence of Pedicotti.
Him: Did you poop in the shower?
Me: Is that an actual question you’re asking me right now?
H: Well who else could it be?
M: How about one of our kids that’s known to do stuff like that and not YOUR WIFE THAT TRADITIONALLY DOESN’T SHIT THE SHOWER?
H: Oh that makes more sense.
ghost, are we friends?
*ouija board spells out “SURE”
do you suppose we could ever be… well, more than that?
*ghost favs but doesn’t reply*