Behind every successful woman is a Man who let her down.
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The Carpenters did not have nearly enough songs about hammers or sawdust
ME: I’m heading to the shop
ROOMMATE: What are you going to get?
ME: [wearing a wedding dress] Compliments
I was bored.
Normally I’m a curmudgeon who doesn’t think young people have anything worthwhile to say, but then today a 20 year old changed my mind when she told me I looked 10 years younger than I am.
Bacon causes cancer.
Canadian bacon apologizes.
@Book_Krazy @funTweeters 🙂
I named all my Nest cameras “the bedroom”… now every time someone walks anywhere in my house my husband gets the notification “Nest noticed action in the bedroom “
I love when my husband says, “correct me if I’m wrong,” like I would pass up that opportunity.
*looks up from pestle and mortar
“Powdering this baby is HARD!”
It is completely unreasonable that family members are expecting me to remember things like what the names of their kids are.
Preposterous.
The Heimlich maneuver doesn’t work when you choke on your own words…..I know this now
me: I’m cold can I wear your hoodie
grim reaper: no
[wife explaining to me how deaths in movies work]
So the actors really don’t die?
“No”
So is Abraham Lincoln really not dead?
*she sighs*
Lmfao
I can’t get the cork off my dinner.
Someone’s overfeeding that damn cat.
I mean.. there’s something like Stonehenge in her litter box.
It was the best of times, it was the end of sentence structure
The Martian, 2015: Matt Damon tries to prove how Irish he is by growing potatoes on Mars then leaving because he’s hungry.
If a really late person marries a really early person they’ll produce an on time child. In theory.
I asked my husband to babyproof the cabinets in the kitchen and he did, but now I’m mad that I can’t get into the cabinets in the kitchen.
There should be an Uber for somebody to come over and wrap all your presents.
Me: …so long story short, what I’m saying is, it either has to be a talking goat, OR a monkey who doesn’t talk, but understands my every word.
Genie: That’s it, no more wishes for you
You only live once – you should try to spend as much time on the computer as possible. After you die, you won’t have access to it any more
A gathering of crows is called a murder.
A gathering of eagles is called a convocation.
A gathering of old girlfriends is called a mistake,
…a terrible, terrible mistake.
I see Paris, I see France, I got a great new pair of binoculars from an overpriced sporting goods store today
Coffee beans are grinding. Even they get more action than I do
I’m rearranging the neighbors’ Halloween decorations a little each night until they’re circling their front doors. Scaring is caring.
robbed a bank just to hear someone call me a person of interest
At my daughter’s 4-year checkup, the doctor said she should be eating a varied diet and to make sure she’s eating a good amount from each food group and I think she said a bit about trying new foods but not sure cause I got distracted wondering if she’d ever actually met a 4yo.