“Behold, a 3 headed cat” “um, its just 3 cats taped together” “Behold, a 12 legg…*tape rips, one cat runs away*..errr 8 legged cat.”

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i got my shoelace completely entangled around the pedal of a stationary bike at the gym and had to ask a stranger to untangle me, which took a good solid 7 minutes. but sure put me down as your emergency contact


Yelp review: Dating

You have to brush your hair and leave the house. Most places won’t let you bring your cat.
Would not recommend.


judge: do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth

me: no

judge: [covers mic] what do I do


Why pink camo? Do people hunt barbie jeeps or try to sneak up on pepto bismol?


ME: My dog loves it when I work from home.
DOG [to camera, opening beer]: Between you and me, it’s incredibly inconvenient. I had shit planned today.


Outing my girlfriend as a Protestant at Christmas dinner so my Granny forgets that we’re both women


*whispers to dog wearing a ‘working dog, do not pet’ vest*
psst what time does your shift end?


[throwes some foam packing peanuts into a pond]


shh wait

[a flock of rubber duckies float over squeaking excitedley]