“Behold, a 3 headed cat” “um, its just 3 cats taped together” “Behold, a 12 legg…*tape rips, one cat runs away*..errr 8 legged cat.”
You Might Also Like
The inventor of Chapstick died today. Unfortunately his body was lost while being transferred to the morgue.
[robber waving gun around in bank] nobody move a muscle
[me making eye contact with him then to the popsicle in my hand then back to him]
I took my hair out of the messy bun and made it a less messy bun and my husband asked if I was going somewhere.
Her: I like Halloween too, but we’re not having kids just so you can get free candy once a year.
[i see a hot girl walking her dog]
me: hi, can i ask you a question?
her: hi, uh, sure
me: i was talking to your dog
her: oh haha ok
me: *crouches down* hey buddy, your owner is hot, can you put in a good word for me
i guess his teacher was really pissed
Told my coworker I want a dragon. He said I’m crazy for wanting anything that might set all my shit on fire but he’s the one that’s married.
If you burned CDs for the car so your original copies wouldn’t get scratched, it’s time to schedule your colonoscopy.
I’ve watched hardened criminals stare each other down on the prison yard but nothing comes close to two four year old girls walking past each other on Halloween sizing up each other’s costumes
Before you contemplate starting an argument with me just know I’ll be removing my pants and underwear for maximum effect.
I’m at my most math when I solve a problem while creating three new ones.
Him: My stomach is aching, I knew I shouldn’t have swallowed that rope.
Me: Are you serious?
Him: I shit you knot.
Just asked my coworkers if anyone had to use the potty before our next meeting, in case there was any doubt that I’m a mom.
[The Twitter Breakdown of 2015]
Angry mobs storm the streets, forcing clever wordplay down the throats of unsuspecting, innocent bystanders
If you love somebody, let them go. If they’re smart, they’ll keep going.
I would’ve gotten away with it too if it wasn’t for that group of sexually repressed potheads who kept talking to their great dane.
Absorbing the other one is easy in the womb. It gets progressively harder to eat your twin as you both grow older.
My uber is here. Should I get in? He has 5 stars…
Someone is at work raving about how good her tofu meatloaf was that she served for dinner.
I’ma tell you now, you serve me tofu anything, and I will consider it an at of war.
I want my remains to be scattered all over the beach when I die.
Also, I don’t want to be cremated.
What if all those PhDs stop just defending and actually start attacking?!?
Actions speak louder than words when you smack someone in the back of the head with a shovel
I didn’t know imposter syndrome was contagious, but my boss also thinks I’m terrible at my job.
IF YOU CHOOSE NOT TO DECIDE, YOU STILL HAVE MADE A CHOICE is something I like to shout at people who hold up the line at Taco Bell.
I was awake around 4-5am because I needed to pee, but then somehow got my breathing mode stuck in manual versus automatic when trying to fall back asleep. What the hell, brain?
Wearing my lesbian boots today. Well, they’re faux lesbian. I don’t believe in using lesbians for leather, even if they’re farm-raised.
Turtles often outlive their owners, a fact the police refuse to treat as suspicious
Me: Ugh! I never know what to say in these situations…
Friend: You say ‘good morning’ back
I’m tired of writing “Sent from my iPhone” at the end of all me e-mails, maybe I should just get an iPhone
BRUCE LEE: Be formless, shapeless, like water.
HARPER LEE: Things are never as bad as they seem.
PARSLEY: I am a stalk vegetable.