@riot4rach [pronounces modeling like yodeling]
@murrman5 “Behold, a 3 headed cat” “um, its just 3 cats taped together” “Behold, a 12 legg…*tape rips, one cat runs away*..errr 8 legged cat.”
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@riot4rach 
@Love_bug1016 i got my shoelace completely entangled around the pedal of a stationary bike at the gym and had to ask a stranger to untangle me, which took a good solid 7 minutes. but sure put me down as your emergency contact
@RidiculousSheri Yelp review: Dating
You have to brush your hair and leave the house. Most places won’t let you bring your cat.
Would not recommend.
@_elvishpresley_ judge: do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth
me: no
judge: [covers mic] what do I do
@SolelyB Why pink camo? Do people hunt barbie jeeps or try to sneak up on pepto bismol?
@LizHackett ME: My dog loves it when I work from home.
DOG [to camera, opening beer]: Between you and me, it’s incredibly inconvenient. I had shit planned today.
@caitrionacomedy Outing my girlfriend as a Protestant at Christmas dinner so my Granny forgets that we’re both women
@TheCatWhisprer *whispers to dog wearing a ‘working dog, do not pet’ vest*
psst what time does your shift end?
@jonnysun [throwes some foam packing peanuts into a pond]
“HEY! NO LITERING–”
shh wait
[a flock of rubber duckies float over squeaking excitedley]
@Mardigroan A welcome mat is a gateway rug.