Behold…the 4th horseman of the Apocalypse.
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Sharks have to keep moving so their creditors can’t find them.
Weird…the ChatGPT warnings are the same ones I have on my hinge profile…
I don’t need to be rich, it would just be nice to live in a neighborhood where I could be confident that that noise was definitely fireworks
Dog 911: what’s ur emer-
Dog: MY HUMAN IS TALKING TO ME
Dog 911: so?
Dog: THEN HE ANSWERS FOR ME IN A WEIRD VOICE
Dog 911: OMG
Dog: OMG
“And to my son Ronald, I leave my entire collection of mint-condition, never-been-opened LinkedIn Updates emails.”
My ex texted “You’ve got a friend in me. XoXo”.
I thought she was being too nice until I realized that she was talking about my buddy Dave.
Follow me on Instagram if you want to see me post absolutely nothing for weeks
“Ok i’ll bite”
*literally any cat i try to be nice to
My daughter hates bread crust so today I put a little extra effort in my sandwich making and I cut off the crust for her because I love her. She’s so sweet and showed her gratitude by eating around her sandwich like it had a crust. I just can’t win at this game.
What the world needs now is love, sweet love…
And an extinction level asteroid.
Me: [wrapping Christmas gifts]
My dog: I shall help by stepping on all the paper and eating the tape.
“My name will live forever!” – Anonymous.
Tried to impress 9 by making up sentences containing 3 of her vocabulary words at once, so now she knows what “nerd” means.
I propose we rename our seasons:
• Blizzard
• Flood
• Oven
• Kinda Nice For A Bit
[interview]
BOSS: So I see you majored in communication?
ME: No…miscommunication
BOSS: Your resume clearly says communication
ME: See?
me: dating is tough, lot of weirdos out there
me on a date: so here’s everything i know about the jonestown massacre
I put on my Godzilla costume, then go to the miniature golf course to beat up the windmill.
Me *at my office*: “Do you need someplace to put that out?”
Client: “I’m not smoking.”
Me: “No, I meant your kid.”
Relationship status: I just found a piece of chicken in my hair.
I ate it.
Then looked for more.
you’ve never seen climate change and peppa pig in the same room have you.
My 5 y/o woke me up to tell me she had a dream my office was invaded by gorillas and I saved everyone using just a hammer so apparently she thinks I’m a Mario Brother for a living.
The first time your kids play together quietly and you skip checking in on them is the last time you don’t get up like a bat outta hell to see what’s up.
I never had children but I still get to watch my dogs find clever ways to avoid eating broccoli.
Today is the three year anniversary of the time I dropped a hot dog and it got stepped on before I could retrieve it. Don’t talk to me about your suffering
i don’t trust anyone who says they miss high school
My Mexican dad before we went to go see Wakanda Forever: so Namor, it means like “no love?” Is that part of his character?
Me: no dad, that’s just been the character’s name since 1939.
Namor in the movie: so I took that as my name, “Namor,” the child without love!
My dad:
Do you ever eat an individual-sized bag of chips and wonder what kind of “individual” only eats seven chips?
Read someone say, “just had a Starbucks lemon water with sugar Yumm!”
I never claimed to have an IQ higher than the temperature inside a refrigerator but I believe that’s called lemonade..
A coworker gave me an invitation to her wedding in case you were wondering why this paper airplane I’m making has lace on it.