@ozzyunc

Being a billionaire should be illegal unless you’re a talking duck with no pants.

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@ChrisHallbeck

How many Avengers does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Two. Ant-Man and Wasp are the only ones small enough to fit inside a lightbulb.

@i_Lean

My boyfriend calls me “babe” because “pig in the city” is such a mouthful to say.

@UncleDuke1969

squirrel: *points gun*
me: what do you want me to do?
squirrel: *gestures at sign*
me: alright, i get it *opens book drop*
squirrel: *makes hurry-up motion*
me: NOT A SQUIRREL!

@JimmerThatisAll

Don’t talk to me about multiple universes I have enough trouble keeping this one running.

@carlawh

Yes, I DO think “did you bring my pizza?” is an acceptable answer when you’re in a public bathroom and someone knocks on the door.

@wolfpupy

“i wouldnt be caught dead” someone throws a net over my dead corpse “gotcha!!” “noooo”

@DanMentos

[first date]
“Tell me two interesting things about yourself”
well I lie when I’m nervous…
“ok…”
and I invented oatmeal

@StarWarsProblms

Obi-wan: You don’t have a shot with Padmé.

Anakin: Don’t underestimate my charm.

*stares at her creepily for the rest of the movie*

@SabotagedSmoke

Tried to challenge the guy in the stall next to me to a thumb war, now he’s holding my hand & crying about his childhood.

I need to wipe.

@DartsBofficial

Most girls: “I hangout with guys, there’s less drama.” Me: “I hangout by myself. There’s no drama & I don’t have to wear pants.”