Being a civilian in a city of superhero’s must be so long 😭
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“Today is chest and leg day!”
-me, ordering at KFC
who did the taste test?
God: you’re a dog.
Dog: nice!
God: the humans are gonna love you.
Dog: why?
God: well you have a lot in common.
Dog: really? do they have updog too?
God: what’s updog?
Dog: nothing what’s up with you lol.
God: yep you’re just like them.
Dog: [tail wag].
I hope the aliens aren’t good at basketball. My chances of making it into the NBA are already slim.
Just try to look at your shoes the same way ever again,your welcome.
Rejected Candy Hearts:
– Meh. You’ll do.
– You’ve done worse.
– STD Free
[ouija board] hi grandma, i hope your in heaven and i love you
“..y..o..u..’r..e..”
Going to sleep: It’s so cold in here, I’m totally wearing these socks to bed
Middle of the night: GET THESE DEVIL FOOT GLOVES OFF ME
I’m so over sweating. I’m putting a pin in sweating for the next two months. We can circle back on sweating in September.
Tell them you’re stupid and they’ll say you’re smart, just to prove you wrong. That’s how stupid works.
I don’t care what color they are, if you have two socks, that’s a pair of socks
Satan’s first act in the bible was to suggest that people eat more fruit.
No wonder we all hate him.
ancient egyptian: whoever disturbs the mummy will suffer a horrific curse. did you write it down so they know?
scribe: I drew a picture of a bird & then a dog guy an’ then a different bird
egyptian:
scribe: 2 birds total
egyptian: u know what it’s fine they’ll figure it out
My town had a really bad storm 2 days ago& my neighbor lost the roof of his house& the poor guy doesn’t have insurance. I’ve decided to start a gofundme to raise $ so I can go to Hawaii for a few weeks cuz he’s about to start doing construction& I hate being around all that noise
The single most brilliant thing I’ve ever read.
*wearing an apron and oven mitts*
This is an old family recipe
*I take a bag of M&Ms out of the freezer*
Apparently, if you put a possum in the mailbox, you’ll get a new mailman…
me: *finds new bruise*
brain: press it
[using ouija board]
R2…L2….L1….R2…LEFT…DOWN…
“what the hell?”
[everyone is suddenly carrying like 8 different guns]
6yo: Teacher, are you married?
Me: No
6yo: Me either.
[tavern]
Jerk on stool next to me:
Which do you like better my looks or my personality?Me: I’m gonna need more options.
[Jesus at Last Supper]
[holds up bread] This is my body
[holds up wine] This is my blood
[holds up Instagram pic]
This was my breakfast
Got a couple of real nice piles of dog shit on your lawn there. Sure would be a shame if something was to… you know, “happen” to them.
If you’re angry at somebody and subtweeting them and it’s not me please add “Not you Jim.” at the end. Thank you.
They bad news is my teenager is running a fever; the good news is he’s still feeling well enough to make “yo mama” jokes.
Shout out to the KFC drive-thru attendant who offered me “enough ranch to drown a small child”
I put my toddler in white shorts and took her outside to play like some kind of masochist
GHOSTBUSTER: so wait, you called us because your neighbor painted his fence purple?
ME: it’s strange, weird, and it doesn’t look good—your lyrics couldn’t be more clear about this
i hate eating outside, flies looking at you from a distance rubbing their hands together like ‘i’m gonna get me some, as soon as you’re not paying attention’
[Office meeting]
*I stride in, straddle a chair:
Yo Guys. Listen upBoss: Turn around Frank. We can’t hear you when you’re facing the wall