Being a consultant would be fun. Like “hmmm… maybe! Here’s your invoice.”
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Me: *looking at pics* Cute! What breed is it? Looks like a Puggle
Co-worker: It’s my daughter
Me: Yeah, they feel like family, don’t they?
Good Cop: If you confess now, you’ll probably just get probation.
Fad Cop: Hey Macarena!
2019: Keep the change
(because I’m generous)2020: Keep the change
(because I’m not touching that)
NOTICE: Drive thru weddings at the First State Bank from 6-10pm. Put $50 in the money drawer and out comes a marriage license and two rolls of Smarties. God bless.
[creating flamingos]
god: here’s your legs
flamingo: can I just have 1
god: no u have to use 2
flamingo: [narrows eyes & sucks teeth] we’ll see about that
[on a first date]
Me: sure, I’d love to see your basement
I’ve never read Catcher In The Rye, mostly because I can’t stand cereals or baseball.
Thoughts while driving:
-Hope that light stays green.
-Hope it stays yellow.
-Hope no one saw me run that red light.
Notes to my My normal
kids teacher handwriting
Finally shaved my armpits and found the factory reset button
Him: I really like the asmr videos with the chiropractors. I watch them every night
Me: So you’re a crack addict
What if dogs are way smarter than we think and they just play dumb so they don’t have to work and pay taxes.
If your trust issues began with a sugar cookies tin full of sewing supplies you’re my people.
No one is more full of crap than a parent who threatens to take away electronics for a week.
Called Comcast to see about dropping my service and long story short, If anyone wants to watch Showtime, call me on one of my 36 landlines.
“I keep waking up at 2:04 every night”
— my 7YO describing what I can only assume is the beginning of our family’s real-life horror story.
I hate how survivors leave the zombies they kill wherever they fall.
I’m not sentimental.
I’m just sick of tripping over them.
Breathe in deeply, eat a rotisserie chicken, breathe out.
Rasputin never died that day, as an immortal being. He hid for decades, before dropping the “Ras” and slipping back into Russian politics.
The only thing worse than thinking of what to make for dinner is then having to cook it.
Me: today I’m not apologizing for ANYTHING!!!!!!
*almost steps on pigeon*
Me: omg sorry sorry sorry
What I say: No!
What my kids hear: There’s a really good chance if you keep asking.
“I want to feel like chewbaca, but only from the shins down.”
-women wearing uggs
You probably need to be having sex prior to claiming you have a safe word.
Don’t date a man expecting to change him. At the end of the day he’ll still be a man, and you’ll have wasted your black candles and a goat.
Spoiler Alert: I was late
Due to the weather, I was able to use the words “wet and slippery” at work all day without anyone thinking I’m a big perv.
me: “spends hours with my favourite person”
me as soon as they leave:
May have had one breakfast too many
Me: How can I make this funny?
Them: Change what funny is.