Being a dad is great. On Christmas morning I’m just as surprised as the kids when they open the presents we bought them.
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Me: Well honey, this place is ripe for arson
Realtor: Right for your son? Oh yes
Me: This house will be coals
Realtor: Cole is a lovely name
I don’t know what this is or why this is but it is and what I want is for it to be elsewhere
-Me about my kid’s toys
Me: Can I start digging?
Society: No wtf that’s grave robbing.
[waits an hour]
Me: How about now?
Society: Ok, now it’s archaeology.
I like to take a store-bought cake to a potluck and joke that I made it myself. As if people could actually make their own cakes!
Now I have 2 accounts a friend suggested I retweet myself when I’m bored.
Sounds like my sex life at the moment
Sometimes I’ll show my husband the chewed up food in my mouth just so he’s reminded of the delicacy and beauty of the flower he chose.
{slowly digs both of my feet into the wet sand}
{whispers} planet shoes
Young mom: My baby is 34 months
Me: Oh really I’m 407 months yeah I hope you like doing math you piece of shit
you can’t convince me that “starfish” doesn’t mean “kinda starf”
It’s very 2024 because I was just so impressed with how thick that store’s checkout bags are. I was like, “Such nice bags. Oh wow. So sturdy! Usually plastic bags are like tissue paper thin. These, now THESE bags are some serious bags. They can HOLD stuff. These are for me? Wow”
If your name is Otis you are either an adorable dog or the town drunk there is no in between
[Picking up girls]
Me: you like bad boys, huh?
Girls: yea
Me to my wing man: tell them
Wing man: he’s just literally the worst
My Fitbit’s “SmartTrack” auto-recognized my riding lawn mower as a bicycle and congratulated me for burning 156 calories ipso facto I earned this ice cream
Either you stay with a comedian, or you leave long enough to become part of their routine
Peeing in the dark like some kind of pilgrim because you’re at someone else’s house and can’t find the light switch
It went from “Oh, you guys really want to get to know your mom” to “Why are you asking me all these questions?” to “Which of my accounts are you trying to get into?”
[road trip]
Me: one more word out of you and I’ll turn this car right around!
Kid: but
Me: that’s it, BACK TO DISNEYLAND
Friend: I don’t have sex until the third date
Me: ok brag that you get to the third date
This mosh pit at Chuck E. Cheese ain’t gonna start itself
My car, spinning uncontrollably thru a crowd of ppl, & my Korean friend screams”HIT THE BLAKES” & I’m like”I CANT BE THAT SELECTIVE”
I’d say I’m an agreeable person, but if you tell me a clothing item is “out of style” I will only wear it more.
Mama? Is this true?!
#FewThingsAreMorePainfulThan
*pronounces UPS like yoops
I’ll never rob a store because I don’t want to see the police guess my weight on a wanted poster.
The Pope quit. Meteor in Russia. Snowing in Arizona. Star Wars and Star Trek have the same director. Who the hell is playing Jumanji?
If there isn’t an open bar at my funeral then count me out, I’m not going!
Vending machine egg salad sandwich cleanse.
mother: I just threw up a little in my mouth
baby birds: yay! dinner time
T-REX: So you going to Tim’s surprise party?
TIM TRICERATOPS (behind them): My what?
RAPTOR: More like Tyrannosaurus Wrecks EVERYTHING
*Wife sends me a link*
*I click on link*
*Buy whatever’s at the link*
*wait for delivery*~Christmas shopping for my wife