Being a grammar perfectionist with big hamds and a small keyboard is the reason I have amger issues.
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“Don’t take this the wrong way”
Translation: Prepare for insult.
[car dealership]
“it’s just like walking, except now you have to move your mass AND this 2,000lb vehicle.”
fred flintstone: i’ll take it!
Congratulations parents! You made it through the Terrible Twos! Your child is now three!
You’re gonna want to be sitting down for what I’m about to tell you…
absolutely no one knows the words of “who let the dogs out” apart from the “who let the dogs out” bit
That moment when your 5 year old asks you if your 1 year old can go into the washing machine, and you really hope he isn’t already in there.
I was once a bookseller. A woman came in asking for Tea at the Savoy by Oscar Wilde. I couldn’t find it listed. She insisted.
I kept not finding it. She got angrier.
I asked again, “Are you sure it’s by Wilde?”
Irate, she said, “YES. He was on the Today Show this morning.”
😑
Magician: I need a volunteer. [man stands] Not you. [woman stands] Not you. GARY GET UP HERE! [Gary goes up] We’ve never met before, right?
The terminator figures out where John Connor is but he can’t do anything about it because he’s on 3% and can’t find a charger.
Why’d they call it a catapult and not an over the shoulder boulder holder?
Son, I’ve made some questionable decisions in life & I must go away for awhile to face the consequences.
How I tell my 5yo I’m off to poop
Always be kind. You never know who has subscriptions to your favorite streaming apps.
Dating tip:
Don’t offer to pay.
It’s a sign of weakness.
Build trust through mutual agreement to steal.No one suspects the “happy couple.”
PRIEST: *cry laughing
ME: I told you I was funny when I was drunk
MY FIANCÉ: Yeah…hi
[texting]
Me: meet me at 8 sharpKid: what if I feel salient instead?
Me: just be on time
Kid: or acuminate, maybe cuspidated
Me: are you playing with the thesaurus on your phone again?
Kid: indubitably
Interviewer- Marlene, what inspired you to pursue a life of comedy?
Marlene- Well, I’m glad you asked…
*Mouth directly on mic*
YOUR FACE
Judge: I find you guilty of all charges
Neutron: This is some bullshit
Ever realize the only thing stopping you from a life of crime is a good night’s sleep? Anyway, I slept well.
I identify as an antique shop.
I really love how squirrels get extra chubby heading into winter mostly because it’s super relatable
its actually not that difficult to tell crocodiles and alligators apart. one will see you later and one will see you in a while
Instead of Wordle, I call it Word Without Friends.
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My son went out, put his hands on his hips, and started saying how great my lawn mowing job looked and this is how dads get high
*Strong man rips a phone book in half
Me: That’s amazing, where did you get a phone book?
movie theater manager: im sorry no outside drinks
me: are you kidding me right now
my date: (the kool aid man) it’s fine we’ll just go somewhere else
I’m scared of Botox and plastic surgery so my plan for turning 40 is Snapchat filters.
If you think today’s generation spend too much time playing video games, you should see how much time my generation spent just waiting for the games to load.
*watching an old Lassie show
Me: How come you can’t do those things?
Dog (mutters): If we had a well I’d push you into it.
I ate vegetables and now I’m hungrier than before. Donuts don’t betray me like this.
I start opening a delivered package before I even get back inside and my wife can let her packages sit unopened on the table for a week. Which one needs therapy?