@ItsDanSheehan

Being a grandpa must be tough, some baby mispronounces a word and suddenly your name is “Peepo” for the last 30 years of your life

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@HammerFist3

I want to buy a Prius because I plan on driving off of a cliff & I don’t want to make too big of an explosion & kill squirrels or turtles

@ItsAndyRyan

Ten years ago I married my best friend. The vicar had awful eyesight and we were too polite to point out his mistake. All terribly British.

@KrisnBrit

When the atm charges you 3.50 to take out your own money but tells you to cover your pin so you don’t get robbed

@Rollinintheseat

If history has taught me anything, it’s that the person with the loudest, wettest cough will always sit down beside me in a waiting room.

@internetluke

[on date]
Here, let me help you with your jacket!
*i gently remove her jacket*
This is mine now. Cya

@UncleDuke1969

when you and your sibling have to pretend to like each other long enough for mom to take the picture

@SwearySpice

Me: *in bed with dogs*

*car drives down street*

Dogs: HOW DARE YOU MAKE A NOISE WHILE OUR HUMAN IS SLEEPING, WHAT IS YOUR PROBLEM?

@Rollinintheseat

The nurse should wait until after they weigh you to ask if you’ve had any symptoms of depression in the past two weeks.

@RickAaron

Currently binge watching old eclipses to get caught up for tomorrow.

@Jake_Vig

*hires a group of teenage girls to giggle every time you walk by*