I want to buy a Prius because I plan on driving off of a cliff & I don’t want to make too big of an explosion & kill squirrels or turtles
Being a grandpa must be tough, some baby mispronounces a word and suddenly your name is “Peepo” for the last 30 years of your life
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Ten years ago I married my best friend. The vicar had awful eyesight and we were too polite to point out his mistake. All terribly British.
When the atm charges you 3.50 to take out your own money but tells you to cover your pin so you don’t get robbed
If history has taught me anything, it’s that the person with the loudest, wettest cough will always sit down beside me in a waiting room.
Here, let me help you with your jacket!
*i gently remove her jacket*
This is mine now. Cya
when you and your sibling have to pretend to like each other long enough for mom to take the picture
Me: *in bed with dogs*
*car drives down street*
Dogs: HOW DARE YOU MAKE A NOISE WHILE OUR HUMAN IS SLEEPING, WHAT IS YOUR PROBLEM?
The nurse should wait until after they weigh you to ask if you’ve had any symptoms of depression in the past two weeks.
Currently binge watching old eclipses to get caught up for tomorrow.
*hires a group of teenage girls to giggle every time you walk by*