Being a man in biblical times must’ve been hard. You’re busy then your wife says, “Someone parted the Red Sea & you’re here watching sheep.”

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My son is sitting next to me here playing some kinda shooting game and complaining about people using aimbots.
As someone who’s cleaned his bathroom I wish he’d use them too.


I slipped on ice and discovered I’m a natural at break dancing


Good thing they had us dissect frogs in high school that prepared us for all the times in real life we’ve had to dissect frogs.


If you want people to stop talking,
pull out a stop watch, start it and keep staring at it.


If the voices in my head had a British accent, I would do what they say more often.


Awww it’s cute how your baby pulls my hair. Like she doesn’t realise I will pull hers right back.


You have advice? For me? I have a $5 Starbucks gift card that’s older than you.


Anteater Kid: What’s for dinner?
Anteater Mom: Don’t be a smart ass, Brandon.


The best thing about working at my office is that you can literally use as much toilet paper as you want in the restroom.