@nerdcula

Being a man in biblical times must’ve been hard. You’re busy then your wife says, “Someone parted the Red Sea & you’re here watching sheep.”

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@JustMeTurtle

My son is sitting next to me here playing some kinda shooting game and complaining about people using aimbots.
As someone who’s cleaned his bathroom I wish he’d use them too.

@envydatropic

I slipped on ice and discovered I’m a natural at break dancing

@MrGeorgeWallace

Good thing they had us dissect frogs in high school that prepared us for all the times in real life we’ve had to dissect frogs.

@LeftOf_Normal

If you want people to stop talking,
pull out a stop watch, start it and keep staring at it.

@ThePopTartJesus

If the voices in my head had a British accent, I would do what they say more often.

@Dawn_M_

Awww it’s cute how your baby pulls my hair. Like she doesn’t realise I will pull hers right back.

@shesananteater

You have advice? For me? I have a $5 Starbucks gift card that’s older than you.

@NoTheOtherJohn

Anteater Kid: What’s for dinner?
Anteater Mom: Don’t be a smart ass, Brandon.

@TheBoydP

The best thing about working at my office is that you can literally use as much toilet paper as you want in the restroom.