Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You’d think that the guy in charge of putting pepperoni on frozen pizzas would’ve been up for a performance review by now.

If I see someone stumble, catch themselves, & madly start looking about to see if anyone saw, I always make sure I make direct eye contact.

I’m upstairs and the food is downstairs. Send help.

pet rent is the stupidest concept i’ve ever heard of how do you expect my cat to pay $50 a month she is unemployed

I’d like to take a moment to thank everyone who took time out of her or his busy schedule to tell me, “omg you look like hell.”

A man at a cemetery for Titanic victims claims to have taken a photo of a ghost. The ghost reportedly said “there was room for two people.”

Roman: Any last words?

Jesus: I’ll be back.

As a married dad of 3 kids, I can tell you that good behavior is not possible when going out for dinner. It’s even worse when you take the kids with you

[Giraffes at gym]

“What do you want to work on today?”

Well we did neck day yesterday, and the day before.

“So…neck day again”

You bet

I appreciate your confidence in me, but it appears your “foolproof” chicken recipe is merely “fool resistant.”

December has 5 Saturdays.

FIVE.

That November salary will be fighting for its life.

What level of dating is it when he asks ‘what’s your sign’ and you give him 2 finger guns and a pew, pew?

I’ll defend my wife in any situation, and if we ever see a killer clown I hope she can run as fast as me.

i put my exercise bike together, no spare parts, i am absolutely drunk on testosterone, i’ll never need another map.

I love that Amazon hires data scientists to figure out that based on my excessive paper towel purchase history I likely have two kids and a cat

Why don’t they make posters that go this hard anymore

Just accidentally flashed my gay neighbor. He’s not gay anymore.

HAHAHAHAHA!

Just kidding. He totally threw up.

When I had no money, I had few friends, but no enemies

Btw, I still have no money, in case you were thinking of becoming my friend or enemy

I want to see a combination celebrity chef and magician. Like when they put it in the oven it was baked risotto but when they take it out of the oven it’s corn dogs.

Mood: the first half of a paper towel commercial when the mom is ready to light her family on fire

angel: whatcha making?

god: *sharpening a fly* bee

💀

What do you call an upset reindeer?

Caribou-hoo.

*Ba-dum-tsss

There should be a “Life of Pi” TV show, where they throw a different D-list celebrity in a boat with a tiger every week.

[job interview]

Panel: We’re looking for someone with intensity, focus, passion and drive
Me: *adjusting volume on Ipod* sorry what?

Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: I was speeding.
Cop: And why were you speeding?
Me: My daughter said that the red car was winning, sir.
Cop: Omg, sorry I intervened. *shoots out red car’s back tire*

I’ve been inventing problems to hide the fact that I spend all my time on twitter. But it’s cool because now my kid thinks I know how to fix the leaky drip tray on the piano and can properly set a fallen eagle’s broken wing.

Hey, have you two seen my Vodka? I left it right here?

That awkward moment when someone asks you “who do you like to listen to?” and you forget every band in history.