Being a man is pretty cool because men get to have sex with women. Some men.. sometimes.
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“Never eat raw cookie dough” sounds like a lie made up a long time ago by some guy that sold ovens for a living.
*me, at high school prom
Me: So, you wanna dance?
Her: Definitely!
M: Can you tell me why?
My friends are weird. They keep vegetables in their beer crisper. Freaks
Have kids so instead of just having a peaceful morning you can argue with your 3 y/o about why he can’t lock his younger brother outside in the rain.
[God creating bees]
GOD: make some of them fuzzy
ANGEL: thats good
G: make them sting
A: okay
G: and let’s give them teeth!
A: too far
Of course I know about dates.
Each 100 gm of dates contains 75 gm of carbohydrate and 2.5 gm of protein.Much healthy.
After I fell asleep on the couch my sweet 3 year old daughter came over, draped her blankie over me, and lovingly put a Cheez-it in my mouth. She gets me.
I’m sick of everybody in this house.
-me, who lives alone.
Why does toothpaste drop off your toothbrush so easily but then turn into a type of thermosetting polymer that’s impossible to wash away?
Drove a wedge of suspicion today between the fast food employee at the first window and the one at the second.
Sometimes I’m sandpaper and sometimes I’m chapstick and sometimes I’m bad at metaphors.
Everyone’s been asking me how I would improve shoes. Here is my answer:
A girl’s tinder bio said “I would die without food” uh okay me too
I told my 14yo there’s a muppet who is dealing with drug addiction and he said “they all are. Look at their eyes”
When a millenial asks why everyone in old photos have red eyes I tell them they were too young to remember the great demon uprising of the 1980s.
God gives everyone a hot cousin to test us.
I keep a tiny vial of gluten in my pocket in case I ever need to smash it on the ground to make a getaway from a large group of hipsters
Age 15: kids are stupid
Age 25: kids are stupid
Age 35: I love my kids but kids are stupid
ASTRONAUT 1:So sorry
ASTRONAUT 2: My condolences
ASTRONAUT 3: Forgive us~~The crew of the Apollo-G
2015: This is our son, Aiden.
2016: This is our son, Lemonaiden.
There seems to be a direct correlation between how many rosaries you have hanging on your rearview and how shitty a driver you are.
If you’re looking for some alone time away from your family, start telling them a story about a great deal you got on something you bought using coupons.
If you start to miss your family and want them to come back, get yourself a snack, open a book, or make a phone call.
I’m at that age where I’m not only invisible but people think my cart is haunted when I go grocery shopping
Medication for depression “may cause thoughts of suicide”. If this were so for all meds then:
Diet Pills..may cause ravenous hunger
Me: I’m a scorpion.
Date: You mean scorpio?
Me: (clicking my claws together) No I very do not.
No, LinkedIn. I would not like to link my Twitter account but thank you for trying to get me unemployed for life.
left my hotel balcony door open a bit and a pigeon wandered in, stole some of crackers, screamed at me and then left. so yeah when i die i wanna reincarnate as a big city bird
A National Treasure where Nicholas Cage has to find the model number on a 15 year old dishwasher.
Why do people say its not you… it’s me in a breakup? Yeah it’s YOU, you’re an idiot! I’m amazing… ask your brother!