Being a man is pretty cool because men get to have sex with women. Some men.. sometimes.
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I hate to be a stickler, but why is Jesus wearing a cross?
All panties are edible if you’re dedicated enough.
Somebody Cadbury Cream egged our house last night. I’d be upset, but I’ve been too busy licking off the bricks.
8y/o: Do prisons have libraries?
Me: Yeah, usually.
8y/o: Yay! So I can still read when I’m in prison.
Be nice to me or I will rain down Hell upon you when I start my blog.
Forget carrying me to bed; carry me to the end of the workweek. Then we can talk
Condoleeza Rice’s less successful sister is Apartmentleeza Rice.
[family reunion]
Does this place have air conditioning because
[song ends, party becomes silent]
Grandma looks really hot
Black licorice tastes like Satan himself made candy and then it expired.
Me: Cooks meals, does laundry, picks my kid’s toys that he has allegedly already put away
Me asks *my kid to do his home work*
My kid: why do I have to do everything around here?
Moment of silence for the guy in Target who just said to his girlfriend, “that seems like a lot of money for face lotion.”
The Jaws theme stays on during sex.
Whoever said diamonds are a girl’s best friend obviously never had a burrito.
What will Tesla name their electric lawnmower?
E-Lawn
Yeah. This was me today.
You get what you get and you don’t get upset. Unless you’re me, and then it’s the crying and the wailing and the walking with chains dragging at all hours.
Hey,dogs barking, we get it: At the core of existence dwells an unspeakable malaise.
Date: everything ok?
Me: yeah, sorry. I was just thinking about the death of my wife
Date: oh my gosh, I’m sorry. when was it?
Me: tonight if you play your cards right
“help us improve instagram” nice try fix your own damn website.
You don’t need to buy an expensive exercise machine. Just do what I did and get a bean bag chair.
i’ve eaten so many carbs during quarantine, my blood sugar is now regulated by pancakereas
*gets to heaven*
omg grandpa!!
grandpa: *charging at me* you wore a jean jacket to my funeral you piece of shit
“why do women always take sooo long to put their makeup on?” because makeup is war paint for Being In Public, clearly
Me, in most situations: quick, incisive decision-making.
Me, thinking about what drink to get at a gas station: To be or not to be; that is the question. Whether tis nobler in the mind to suffer the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune, or to take arms against a sea of troub
Fact: you spend an average of 1.3 hrs of your life in the pantry looking for the damn paprika
JESUS: I shall turn water to wine
JUDAS: Actually wine is 85% water so that’s only 15% miracle
JESUS: This is literally the WORST betrayal
It breaks my heart to know that I live in a country where some of its citizens actually can’t believe that isn’t butter.
without fail i always get felt up by the tsa which is fine because air travel is expensive and i want my money’s worth
*drops cheese*
You: Five second rule!
Pet owners: lol