Being a mom means being the first one up in the morning, the last one to bed at night, and the only one drinking during church.
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When a waiter doesn’t write down the order and someone in your group asks for no pickles and you know that’s going to be thing that wrecks it for everybody.
“Click to read this man’s secret to incredible 6 pack abs!”
*click*
article: hard work, diet, & exercise
me: I have never felt more betrayed
A choir of Spring onions
“So how did you get into Classical Music?”
Me:
texting my crush “hey infant” instead of baby so they know i’m smart and regularly use my thesaurus
Voting was a lot more fun in the days when you got 4 snapshots for a dollar in the booth.
12. I think about this all the damn time
*sends love letter to boyfriend*
*awaits his reply by mailbox everyday*
*receives text with 👍*
*writes letter to IRS about his tax evasion*
[running amok in flames]
WHY ARE INFLAMMABLE THINGS FLAMMABLE!?
[on a first date]
Her: Have you ate here before?
Me: Yeah, my wife and I come here all the time
I don’t want to “agree to disagree,” I want you to say uh huh and I say nuh uh and you say uh huh until we’ve resolved this.
Me: You can’t arrest me. I have to run a marathon today.
Cop: Stop playing the race card.
The best thing about winter in Canada is that all the Chupacabras migrate south for a year.
Omg. Why do I always look terrible when I leave the house.
*stays in bed until 4 minutes before I’m supposed to leave*
“My homework ate my dog” -student in python breeding class
Me, leaving my child home alone: Call me if there’s an emergency.
My child, calling me 2 minutes later: Do you know where the Oreos are?
“There Will Be Blood” is my favorite movie that answers the question, “Will blood be there?”
I’ve never played Jenga, but I have had to extricate myself from a sleeping toddler in my bed, so I think I could handle it.
When she told me, “You’re best to try and get out in front of it,” I didn’t realize she was referring to a large truck…
A dating app for people who are way too into cookies, called Crumble
Her: What are you reading?
Me: “Sex and the Single Guy.”
Her: What’s that about?
Me: (Pause) Church architecture.
I’m really hungry, so I’m going to eat an apple and promote myself to starving.
Remember that it’s “i before e” …
Except when feigning a heist on a
weird, feisty, beige foreign neighbor.
If you can’t handle me at what you have mistakenly assumed is my worst, then prepare to be unpleasantly surprised in the immediate future.
Y’all are gonna be sorry when I figure out how to breed spiders and bees and my army of “spees” is stingin’ and bitin’ you and shit
“Are you left handed?” – people who see me writing with my left hand, curious if I am just doing it for show.
My youngest son’s dirty clothes sit on the floor, beneath the laundry chute.
I admire his hope that they’ll bounce up and swish down.
Friend: I grew as a person
Me: Did you molt?
Friend: What?
Me: Is there a dried out slightly smaller husk of you in the basement?
Friend:
Me: Can I see it?
I guess somewhere around the age of 12 it became my turn to go on the computer, and it still is. my turn just didn’t end. more than a decade later I’m still here, on the computer
Magician: Is this your card?
Me: Oh my god, it is!
Magician: Well thank you, it’s very thoughtful and heartfelt.
Me: You’re welcome. Happy Birthday.