Being a mother is really quite rewarding.
At tax time.
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[calling in sick]
BOSS: This is the third time in a month you’ve had a stomach flu…How is that even possible?
ME {trying to not let on I’m a cow}: Well I definitely have only one stomach that’s for sure
Fortune Cookie:
For healthy looking skin, don’t get eaten by a bear.
[blind date]
HER: I’d really like to have sextuplets
ME: Oh wow, me too!
HER: Really?
ME: Yeah, but why did you call me “tuplets”?
What’s there to get? the floor is hard. And cold. And too smooth. That’s why I vomit on the carpet.
–my dog
Customers love saying “I’ll have one of these” while pointing at a sign I can’t see.
Me, sick: *filling up my Vicks humidifier*
Him: Is that… Are you filling that with vodka?
Me: Who are you my doctor? VAPOR IS VAPOR
Each year I get invited to go on vacation with the same group of annoying people but I can’t say no because they’re my husband & children.
so apparently if u donate a kidney ur a big hero but donate 9 kidneys and people get very upset
“Hey, wanna hangout?” “Later.” “Now?” “No, later” “How about now?” “Jesus christ.” -if Adobe Updater was your friend
*august*
y’all need jesus
*christmas ads start*
not like that
I update my Facebook picture to a jail mugshot over the holidays so my family will go visit someone else.
Forever Alone Barbie: Comes with 20 cats, and a Twitter account. Alcoholism and debilitating depression not included.
Me: Loving this juice cleanse.
Wife: That’s sangria.
rise and shine we got egg
Not sure if you’ll like golf? Walk on a treadmill for four hours under a sun lamp then throw away $75 when you’re done.
Thy pee runneth clear,
Hydration is near.
Thy pee runneth yellow,
Drink up, my good fellow
Me: 47 MESSAGES IN UNDER 3 MINUTES?!
Genie: I told you wishing your dog could send you texts was a bad idea
My sense of humour has been described as “oh god..” and “please stop, this is a funeral”.
Our dog came in half-frozen after her walk. I haven’t seen that cat grinning this big since our dog had to wear the cone of shame.
I’m pretty sure these people at the next table are talking about how paranoid I am.
I was just interrogated by my 7yo who, frankly, was SHOCKED to discover her dad is my first and only husband and I don’t want to know what that says about me
beauty:
beast:
beauty: *sips tea*
beast: *sips tea*
beauty:
beast:
beauty: was this inside mrs. potts—
beast: you know I’ve been too scared to ask
Friend: OMG! What happened to your hands?!
Me, thinking about how I burned them pulling a naan apart: oh I was grilling a steak and the flames were out of control.
ME: Hi, I have a 3 o’clock
RECEPTIONIST: Can I take your name?
ME: No. I need it for work
For someone who said “Correct me if I’m wrong…” you seemed genuinely surprised and upset when I did.
Everyone is gangster till they touch a bandaid in a pool
Gonna start posting empty plates on Instagram with the caption “this was really good”
Apparently Pound Town is NOT a British dollar store
*goes on strict diet for a month, steps on scale*
i lost 4 lbs, nice
*goes off diet for one day, steps on scale*
the punishment does not fit the crime
Time flies when you duct tape an alarm clock to a pelican.