Being a mother you are always prepared for the unexpected but nothing can prepare you for the strength you will need when your son’s voice begins to change and you have to keep a straight face.
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Previously On Persistence 😎
Me: What are you doing?
Husband: You said you wanted to wake up early
Me: Not this early
H: You don’t even know what time it is yet
[Updates Christian Mingle bio]
“Just like Moses, I pay attention to the bush first”“You have 999 new matches”
WHAT I SAY: that’s one way of looking at it
WHAT I MEAN: in the history of stupid things said by stupid people, what just came out of your mouth is, by far, the stupidest. If there were stupidity trophies, yours would be gold plated and set atop a plinth reading STUPID.
Me: read me my Miranda rights
Cop: you have a right to be the smart one. You have a right to finally realize Steve is the one for you. If you do not have a Steve, one may be provided for you
Me: now read me my Samantha rights
Cop [sighs]: you have a right to be the sexy one…
I used to tell customers that Chilean wine was good because the country is geographically so narrow, the vines have to be grown in single file, giving maximum exposure to the sunlight
I’m at the age where if people get pregnant I don’t know if it’s a good thing or not. like congratulations or sorry that happened
Friend: What are you going to make for Thanksgiving?
Me: Probably a scene.
I want this so bad
Another wooden ball!!! Would it kill the makers of avocados to put a different toy inside?? I have like 12 already
*rocks out at concert*
*holds up lighter*
*millennials scream*
*mass chaos, crying*
*I’m tackled*
*one old guy high-fives me as I go down*
My mother & wife are scared to death of each other, so they both ask me to help word their emails to each other. So, the communication between my mother and wife has *evolved* into me writing emails to myself. They get along great lately. It took me too long to figure this out.
[at the gym]
Body builder: how much can you curl?
Me: *smugly* I can do a 9 inch ribbon
The problem with this world is that they just let anyone in.
If you cut your goat in half you’ll have two goats, that’s just simple math.
I just released a new fragrance, and the people on this elevator are not happy about it.
growing up, nothing was ever more unsettling than when you were at a friend’s house and found out they had weird names for their grandparents. who the f*** is gum-gum
Woke up naked in my neighbor’s boat again. I’ve got to stop watching titanic when I’m drinking.
My son is practicing his French horn and I love the arts, I was so excited for my kids to love them, but wow he’s pretty bad.
Coating a few marbles in melted chocolate to mix in with my Whoppers as a surprise for future me.
In-laws are coming over for lunch, which leaves me just enough time to buy a better house, master a new career and develop a less antagonistic personality. Wish me luck!
Magneto: Curses! How did you find my secret lair? Telepathy? Satellites?
Wolverine: every compass in town is pointing at you, bro, how do you not know this
I’m pretty like a car crash.
[wife is gone]
me: I’m gonna take apart the front porch railings
10: did mom say you could?
me: it’s my house too!
10: but did she tell you that you could do that?
me: I can do what I want
10: I’m texting mom
When I left for work this morning, the dog begged me to stay and the cat handed me my keys.
if you don’t respond to my email when i am alive don’t expect me to reply to your ouija board questions when i am dead.
If you eat a whole taco before your family gets to the table they won’t know you started without them
Me: ew look at that guy sitting in his own shit.
Wife: just change your son’s diaper please.
– Adele’s baby starts to cry
– Adele sings the baby a lullaby
– baby cries more, but now for different reasons
Saw my son pretending to pole vault with a curtain rod. It took me a good 10 mins to realize it meant there were curtains down somewhere.