Being a parent is great because you get to start conversations like:
Hey buddy, don’t leave your tooth on the coffee table.
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Wish my date had canceled before I shaved my legs. Well if anyone wants to go out tonight I am more aerodynamic than usual
My wife is visiting her mother this weekend, so the cat and I are smoking cigars and playing poker.
The trick to doing crimes is to wait until after 5pm when all the police have gone home for the day
[FIRST DATE]
ME (Struggling to make conversation): …tell me about a time you worked well as part of a team.
What’s your spirit animal?
“An eagle. They’re so majestic.”
MEANWHILE
Horse: hey eagle, what’s your spirit human
Eagle: this guy Dave
The rose scented hand sanitizer I got from Bath & Body Works reminds me of a funeral home so I just kinda go with it and think of the dead germs.
Since I’ve been scared of flying people have always tried to assuage said fear with “planes are way safer than cars!” and Boeing said “never mind!!!”
There were times when there was only one set of prints in the sand, that was when I was out getting burritos
Answering all phone calls with, “no, YOUR payment is overdue!”.
I bet ducks would love bananas if they knew about bananas.
Showerhead Self-Conscious About Single Jet That Sprays Sideways #OurAnnualYear2019
This is meant to give your cat a seat at the table but it could totally be a whack-a-mole game instead
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
You didn’t, the brakes did.
Cop: But do you know why?
Cuz I pressed the pedal with my foot?
Cop: Get out.
Every fifteen minutes, a teenager crashes his car due to texting and driving. I hope he gives up, because he’s obviously not good at it.
Our baby doubled age in a single day. If my calculations are correct, a month from now she’ll be about 3 million years old.
Why do they call it alcoholics anonymous if you introduce yourself?
H: I’m going to the strip club tonight.
M: okay
H: That’s it, okay?
M: Sure, just remember who prepares your food.
H: What?
M: What?
I will flirt with you but honestly neither of us will have any idea it’s happening
-My cat will ONLY drink from a slightly running faucet and she rubs her gums along the side of it.That’s the faucet I brush my teeth from. So basically I’ve made out with my cat.
Therapist: [Puts her pen down. Rubs the bridge of her nose]
MOM: What did you learn at summer camp?
KID: We built a generator out of sticks and mud
MOM: A generator? For what?
KID: To charge our iPods
yesterday i took apart an egg timer because the ticking was too loud. i thought when I got it open and saw all the gears id know what to do. this was not the case
Sasquatch: *squinting* Nah, I still don’t believe that’s Kate.
Her: How pathetic can you be?
Me: Gosh, I don’t know. I haven’t really pushed myself yet.
ME: [with a child on a leash] this is my therapy child.
A girl who bullied me in junior high just friended me on Facebook. Her three kids are named after trees. I win.
As a kid I thought a lot about growing up, getting a job and having kids, but not this job and certainly not these kids.
I dropped my bowl of SpaghettiOs and it spelled ‘oooooooo’ on the floor. Spooky
[Catwoman’s Lair]
Robin: I hear someone.
Batman: Lets’s hide in this sandpit.
{5 min later}
R: This is a litter box isn’t it?
B: I think so.
Why doesn’t anyone invite copyeditors to parties when we’re such cool people out with whom to hang?