Being a parent is having a nightmare about your child on the loose with magic markers
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The question had been asked millions of times over thousands of years and I don’t know if science will ever answer the question:
How can a child this small take up so much room in a king sized bed
[Witness Protection Program]
So the more ordinary, mundane your new name is, the easier it’ll be to blend into your new-
BUBBLENUTS McFUNKY!
My toddler is crying because she wanted 2 strawberries but I only gave her 2
I’m too high watching Secret Agent Cody Banks and my friends didn’t take an edible so I have to act like I’m not high it’s almost like I am also Secret Agent Cody Banks rn
This woman at Whole Foods is choosing a bundle of asparagus more carefully than I chose my husband.
WIFE: [handing me crying baby] will u please change him
ME: ok
[drives to hospital]
ME: hi yes my baby is crying can i get a new one
what idiot decided to call it “the Iliad & the Odyssey” and not Troy Story and Troy Story 2
[holds out handful of sliced cheese]
pick a card
Can someone who is good with computers help me out? I keep running out of storage space for some reason
Him: Where’d you get that black eye?
Me: My girlfriend gave it to me.
Him: I thought your girlfriend was out of town.
Me: I did too…
[Toothpaste Laboratory]
Dentist 1: Yes
Dentist 2: Yes
Dentist 3: Yes
Dentist 4: Yes
Dentist 5: Not so fast…
October’s cool because you can buy 60 Snickers, 48 beers, a hockey mask, chainsaw, 30 leaf bags and the cashier won’t even acknowledge it.
Sticks and stones may break my bones
but words can SUMMON DEMONS
CEO: we need to cut legal in half
Legal: i’m the only one here
CEO: yep
Give a man a fish and he’ll be like,
“Dude I’m allergic to fish.”
TEACH a man to fish and he’ll be like,
“THTOP I THAID IM ALLERGIC TO FITH”
If newscasters are going to be broadcasting from their homes, the least they can do is show us around the place.
Ahhh the sweet smell of Christmas
*first time in a long time at the dentist*
Dentist: don’t worry this isn’t going to be as bad as you think.
Me:
Dentists: whoops never mind we have to take out all your teeth.
My kid called me to tell me their car had a flat tire when they got to school.
Then pacified me with:
“Don’t worry mom, it’s only flat on the bottom.”We’re thinking Harvard.
[yelling from the trunk of my kidnapper’s car] anytime u want to talk about poor boundaries i’m ready
Toddlers will take your last nerve, deep fry it and eat it for breakfast.
What does it mean when you sit next to an elderly woman on the bus and she shakes her head and makes the sign of the cross?
Hot chick at the bar just said that she’s gonna do something stupid tonight…
…I informed her that I only had a 1.75 GPA in high school.
DMV LADY: *showing my new license photo* Do you want to retake it?
Me: no I just look like that
my kids can lose something i bought them for $20 and up and not even flinch but could lose a stick they found in the yard and cry about it for hours.
My entire life can be summed up by those anxious and awkward breaths; the ones where you wonder if the hiccups are really gone or not.
[couples therapy]
HER: His obsession with Star Wars is tearing us apart
ME: *covering my Yoda doll’s ears* Hear you he can, Karen
Me: I’ll remember this verification code and don’t need to write it down.
Me two seconds later: Oh no!
The year is 2035.
The only movies are superhero reboots.
Anyone caught looking up from their phone is fined $100.