Being a parent is having your kid say “I went to school today and I didn’t even lose my donkey” and you know exactly what they mean
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calling in to work dehydrated
95% of parenting is using your sock as a mop.
Kids have it rough these days. Alexa wasn’t responding to my son , so he had to change the volume on his commercial-free, on-demand show by physically pressing buttons on the remote control.
If Bear Grylls married Chuck E. Cheese they would be the Grylls-Cheese family.
There are three types of people:
1. Annoying people
2. Annoying people I am sleeping with
3. People I haven’t met
“Get the Reese’s” I whisper to my kid as he trick-or-treats, knowing full well my wife just quietly told him to go for the Twix.
As spooky season approaches, my very interested toddler has been asking “WHAT HIM NAME?” when we see a skeleton or other ghoulish figure on someone’s lawn, and since “I don’t know” is unacceptable to people who are almost 3, I have been spitballing names of people I don’t like.
Every time I think I’ve parallel parked in a space the size of a shoebox, I get out and find it’s the length of two football fields
There should be an Olympic event that requires participants to remove a single cube from an ice cube tray.
1-year-old: *screeches*
3-year-old: *screeches back*
Me: What’s wrong?
3: We’re dinosaurs
I had to ban pterodactyls fights in the house.
Doctor: are you sexually active?
Me: I usually stay pretty still.
Boss: We’re having a meeting at noon for future managers
Me: Will there be lunch?
Boss: No
Me: I don’t want to be a manager that bad
“my eye is up here”
-Illuminati pyramid
Miles: Mom what does clitoral damage mean?
Me: 😳 Use it in a sentence, baby
Miles: Like clitoral damage in a war?
Me: Co-lat-er-ul, babe
Marriage: an institution where having to slightly adjust your mirrors every time you get in your car puts you in a homicidal rage.
I start training at mime school on Monday.
So if you don’t hear from me…
Me: what’s your favorite number
Golfer: 4
Hypochondriac: 6
Guy From Memphis: 10
Cannibal: 18
Ballerina: 22
Bargain Hunter: 241
Arkansas is just Kansas for pirates.
A 12-year-old just yelled out the passenger window of his mom’s SUV that I don’t look very attractive (I’m wearing a mask).
I can’t begin to express how relieved I am that preteen boys want nothing to do with me, so I will never be removing this mask.
My dog crosses her paws regally while lying on the floor, like she didn’t just eat the contents of the bathroom trash can.
My gangsta career was brought to an abrupt and tragic end when my homies caught me sipping on a frappucino doing my taxes
FUN FACT: Your landlord can’t tell you “no pets allowed” if your pet is large enough to eat them.
Why are there never any cool side affects from drugs?
Like “this drug may cause severe sexiness”
“Hey buddy, you wanna buy a harmonica?” I opened my coat and got hit by a gust of wind, making the worst sound in the world
“You can’t bring road kill on the plane.”
“It’s my carrion.”
Coworker: I ran 5 miles at the gym this morning
Me: Why
oh so you rich guys throw the water out after you boil hotdogs. too good for hotdog soup. too good to dab the soup on your wrists like colog
I was tired of losing my glasses so I put them on a chain. Now my hair’s in a tight bun, there’s a used hanky in the sleeve of my cardigan and I lick my index finger every time I turn a page.
Smoke alarms are stupid — like I’d ever forget to smoke.
They are making gluten free communion wafers now. I guess you eat them because they represent the beach-body of Christ.