Being a parent is kind of like being a Scooby Doo villain. I would’ve gotten away with so many things if it weren’t for these meddling kids.
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Alien: why should I not blow up this planet?
Human: we are an advanced species
A: how do you travel?
H: we light old dinosaurs on fire
As a kid my grandma would put loaves of bread in the freezer and then defrost them. She told me it was the best way to make something last longer.
Looking back, little Harry the hamster never stood a chance.
I AM dressing for the job I want (I want to be a sweatpants model)
Waits for the worst possible time to tell you that they have to pee…
~Kids
Someone gave my boyfriend a book about men getting the upper hand in relationships and I told him to let me read it since he knows how much I love fiction
Having a backup terrible idea is crucial.
[First day as a fighter pilot]
*punches every passenger in the stomach as they board*
It’s like the girl sitting in front of me on this bus doesn’t want me to braid her hair.
Mugger: “Give me your wallet and watch.”
*hand over my wallet*
Me: “Okay, I’m watching.”
You say “save the date”, I hear “more time to come up with an excuse of why I’m not going.”
All I need is to hear those 3 special words
“Want a sandwich?”
If you say something while exhaling smoke it is 10 times more profound.
😗💨
If I could have immunity to anything I would pick calories
“Quit” is not in my vocabulary but “resign”, “drop out”, and “give up” are.
Facebook’s great for when you wanna see a picture or a joke you saw on Twitter four years ago
To its credit, only like 8% of doing the Macarena involves heiling Hitler.
Sorry pregnant ladies, all of your 3D ultrasounds look like Gollum in an Ikea lampshade.
I can eat Rice Krispy Treats for breakfast, because I’m an adult!
But hiding in the bathroom, because I’m a mom.
Why is it called “gym rat”? Why can’t I be a “gym koala” or a “gym panda”?
Wait – if the planet is spinning faster, maybe I *didn’t* gain weight. Maybe there’s more gravity.
Therapist: …and if you don’t start working to control your anxiety, you’ll never stop making your own private hell
Me: so I get to be the devil
Therapist: no absolutely no-
Me: Very cool
Therapist: wait but
Me: incredibly cool
Seriously.
Who gets “regular strength” ANYTHING?!
“Yeah, go ahead & gimme your middle-of-the-road shit. I’d like this headache to LINGER.”
ok ladies and gentlemen of the jury, before i get any farther along in my testimony, i would like for you to take a moment to recognize the “jurors are beautiful” shirt i am wearing
I suspected my marriage was in trouble when I’d meet my husband for dinner then we would both race home to make out with the babysitter.
“Expecto me to be there”
Harry Potter RSVPing to a party
Alex Jones said that lesbians are torturing women and eating their brains.
Ummmmm…Alex? That’s not
What
We
Eat.
Tip from my mom:
Always wear your bathrobe when at home.
Then if somebody stops by unexpectedly you’re “just about to hop in the shower”.
An easy way to know if your house is haunted is to bake a cake that says “for ghost” and see if anything takes it
Once a lady asked me to guess her age. I don’t like playing this game but she insisted. I gave her a good look, estimated her age, and subtracted 10 years just to be safe. “37” I said. Well for a 26 yo she threw quite the fit.
Anyway the lesson here is don’t smoke cigarettes.